my life with depression.com

first, he’s the MRI image from MY LITTLE EXPERIENCE at u.c. berkeley



i had another therapy session again. i talked about my week and how i was feeling and the things that i thought about. i’d told her that i was only 5 minutes late to my dental appointment AND i was right on time for her appointment. she asked me why i thought that was so. ( last week, i was late about 25 minutes ) my guess was that i really thought and saw what she meant the i was short changing myself. i was paying for therapy time that i wasn’t getting. i could’ve hung out with my friend and her baby an hour longer had i not been dragging and running late. i think that it might also be that i wasn’t dragging as much this week.

karen asked me why i told the berkeley student that i didn’t need to get paid for doing the study. i gave her my reason, but she said that those students had already budgeted how much they would give each person AND as i am not working, i could’ve used the money to buy myself a nice dinner.

we also talked about what happened with S2BX and our talk about his rudeness and how i confronted that. she noticed that he has to question me on the most trivial things: like why i needed to put my jacket on though we were almost approaching the real estate office door. MAYBE BECAUSE I WAS COLD AS I’D ALREADY MENTIONED! i kept my jacket on even during our meeting with the the agents.

she asked me why then was i questioning my decision to divorce him. that lead me to the conversation that S2BX and i had last thursday and how it ended and how we were able to have a decent conversation about a conflict and how that’s what got me thinking and crying. then i explained to her why the divorce is still on - EVEN though i questioned myself.

i also mentioned that i thought a little about rebound relationships and that based on the description of the word, ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS were rebounds. i was - no - i AM a serial monogamist. from one relationship to another. there seems to be a pattern for me and she said that it’s not worked. the relationship that i have with my FRENCHIE would / could be considered a rebound. i am going to let him go? no. not right now because i really like him. i know that he can’t give me what i’m going to want soon. perhaps waaaaaay later but really and realistically, he’s a lot younger, he’s miles and miles and miles away and he lives 9 hours ahead of me in paris. given all of this, how are we really suppose to get to know each other. though i’ve spend 2 weeks one trip or one week during another or three weeks this last time and one week last year in february and we spent two weeks here in the summer, it’s still all considered vacation. he’s not ALWAYS available to me.

she says that most likely, my FRENCHIE won’t be the one, but that’s not to say that he can’t be. The same goes for S2BX. she doesn’t want me to settle. it’s not just my FRENCHIE or S2BX. though i’m not obviously going to get EVERYTHING that i want, i should never just settle and i should keep my options open.

she’s seeing [and i am also seeing that i am short changing myself] that it’s become just my Frenchie and S2BX. if i get this strong gut feeling about someone, she doesn’t want me to act like i’m still married. she wants me to be open.

i understand what she is saying. but right now, that’s too scary for me and i have someone who i care about. that’s not to say that i will close myself off if i feel this strong gut feeling about someone else.

i guess ultimately i have to love and believe that i deserve respect etc before it can be given. does that make sense?

i’m tired. my french group member peter today said “yes” when i asked if if i was wanting everything to falling place now. an i trying to have it all without patience? including career … etc. but i’m 33 now and i’ve waited too long without being proactive in getting what I WANT. i’ve been too busy making sure that everyone else is getting what they need before i take care of what i need. my therapist used the analogy of me as a car offering everyone else my gas. if i do that and i don’t fill up MY TANK, then me as a car is stranded.