my life with depression.com

wow. i think i got energy from yesterday’s socializing. though i woke up late, i had the motivation to clear out the dishwasher AND start laundry. i spoke with my FRENCHIE too. i really felt like i missed him yesterday - even today - even though we video chatted. there wasn’t much exchanged. maybe that’s why. our relationship is weird. due to the time change, he’s always nine hours ahead. so that only gives us a few hours to interact. as my day is starting, his day is just ending. he usually keeps up with my life through my blog. my blog is pretty current and up-to-the minute when it comes to what i’ve been thinking and what i’ve been feeling or even what i’ve been doing or what i’ve been able to do.

our conversations lately have been somewhat superficial like: i went out for a walk with nicolas and cecile or i went and i bought this and that or i have no motivation to study.
TANGENT:

he’s studying for his french national ranking exam. this is the exam that all med students in france have to take. the type of doctor they become is based on this. as i understand, if you want to be a radiologist - seems like the cushiest and well paid job - then you have to probably be in the top 50 in the country. i think they compete either against 2,000 or 4,000 other med students. from what i understand, his school produces many of the top rankers. these top guys get to pick what specialty they want to do their residency in. the bottom gets the bottom of the barrel. i guess similar to ours. my FRENCHIE is a smarty pants - in a good way.

we’ve been doing the “hi/bye” thing on-line because he has to study.
TANGENT:

well, recently we had a not so superficial conversation. i shared some feelings about something with him and he assured me and explained things so i would understand. i understood. i felt sooooooooooo close to him afterwards.

which i totally understand. i have no problem with it. ok. fine. sometimes. but what am i suppose to do? i would like to have him on screen while he studies, but he says that would be a distraction. it’s probably just as well because he’s not suppose to become the reason why i stay in my loft all day. i am not suppose to schedule my life around him. that’s true. he doesn’t schedule his life around me. that’s good too. i guess it’s my “rebound reflexes” kicking in. i probably wouldn’t want him in my life if he lived here in the states. then it’s even MORE of a rebound. well, i don’t know if i could let him go THAT easily. i really do like him so it would be very very very difficult.

i am getting bored of just saying i love you all the time. i think i need more mental stimulation.
TANGENT:

again, this situation sucks because it wouldn’t be like this when he’s here this summer. we’d be chatting and sharing and not doing the “i love yous” all the time. you know what i mean.

oh, so what was i saying? oh. more mental stimulation. i think i need a deeper mental relationship that this more than what this one can give me right now. i can’t wait until my FRENCHIE is done with that test. he’s spending 3 months with me this summer. i had an interesting smart conversation with one of my neighbors. he is new to the building so he had plenty of boxes. i met him in the hallway and welcomed him to our little community. he let me have the boxes for my move - i bummed into him in the garage and we got to talking about travel and what he does. i guess he works for an art organization that is working with the EU right now. he just gave some money to the Louvre and he’s working with the british museum and the cairo museum about the return of some egyptian art.

this is an example of what i thought of when my therapist asked me if i am open to other people. if i act like i’m married to my FRENCHIE or S2BX or not. if i let myself feel for people that i might’ve had a spark for. i asked her … like you mean make a pass at someone? she said no. she said if i felt this spark with someone and somehow i got invited by him to do something … would i go or not.

she wants me to break my pattern of relationship jumping and rebound relationships. obviously it’s not worked for me.

well, the fact is that mr. new guy in the building did leave me a note with an open invitation for me to view some of his recent projects - WRITTEN IN FRENCH - no less. i wish i could go and see. i’m really interested, but i don’t want to give him the impression that i’m interested IN HIM. cause i’m not. i just want to see what he’s done and maybe practice my french with him. there was no physical spark there even though THIS IS THE GIRL WHO HAS NOT GOTTEN ANY IN LIKE two months!

i wish i knew more about the rules of dating. so as to not give any wrong signals. well, maybe he’s just being friendly.

OH! today, i went out to go watch THE LIVES OF OTHERS. i went alone, although i called up my neighbor downstairs because i saw his car in the garage. he’s german and i thought he might be interested. no answer. maybe he’s studying. he’s getting his mba. oh, the movie is german and mattias is from germany. i think i’m going to go watch the other foreign film at that little theatre. i liked going out by myself. i liked discovering san pablo avenue as it goes through emeryville into yucky oakland into berkeley then into albany. i found a lot of places that i just want to walk around at. i guess i’ll have to wait two more months until my FRENCHIE comes over if i want to go with someone. maybe my girlfriend KEVIE will want to take me. yes. i said girlfriend. since all of mine are married with kids, he’s become my “girlfriend.”

i’m so smart… i’ll ask KEVIE if looking at mr. i’m new to the building’s work is a “yes, i’m interested in you” sign. he should know! he’s single! i’ll call him now.

WHAT KEVIE HAD TO SAY:
he said that it was just a “nice” type of note and that it wasn’t meant to be anything more. he did caution me though that mr. new to the building is probably “happy that a hot girl in the building welcomed him and spent some time talking with him.”
TANGENT:

am i a “hot” girl? i’ve not been called hot since … wow a few months ago when S2BX described me as such when we first got together. i feel good hearing it, but feel like it’s the wrong adjective to use with me and it makes me uncomfortable. when i think of “hot girls” they are usually the ones guys wanna fuck first and asks questions later. i think of them as the overtly sexy ones. whether they intend on being so or not. or they are just damn beautiful. i just think of myself as “just me”. my FRENCHIE did say i was sexy when i was in france - naked. i felt good and i didn’t feel like it was forced from him. although i think i’m soooooooooo far from being “sexy,” when my FRENCHIE said that, i actually felt it. he makes me feel sexy.

oh, so the guy might have somewhere in the back of his mind the word “fuck,” but as he get’s to know me, he’ll begin to see that there won’t be any fucking going on. so KEVIE says it’s safe and that if i am interested in seeing mr. new to the building’s projects from last year and while he and i were both in paris this feb, then i’m not giving off the wrong signals.

good to know.