my life with depression.com

well, for those that visit me on a regular basis i’m sure you have noticed that i’ve not been regularly blogging. well, for this past week at least.

i’ve run a gamut of emotions recently. i told my dad that i’m getting a divorce. YES. just right now, but you have to remember that my dad has major depression … my mom thought it best to slowly tell him. we didn’t know how he would react to the news. i decided to tell him because once coming back from the philippines to help take care of my gramma, he had more energy and his mood was better. in fact, i’ve seen my “old dad” a few times now! but i still mainly see the new one. he took it well and was supportive. he’s not too happy about the idea that S2BX will not be part of the family soon, but i comforted him and told him that they will still see him when they visit me up here.

also, my gramma died. i have mixed feelings. i’ve cried on and off about it. i am happy and sad at the same time. she was 95 and she was tired. she’s out lived all of her friends, 3 kids and a great grand-daughter. it is time for her to rest. maybe i’m taking it well because we all had time to get prepared. even though, it’s still hard.

i’ve been sad and i’ve not been sleeping well. i’ve also had trouble getting up in the morning. i feel this underlying sadness that is lightly pressing down on my happy feelings. not forcefully, but just enough pressure to know that the sadness is there.


i saw two dentists within this week. both tell me the same thing. i’m going to need gum surgery and extractions and implants. today at the second dentist’s office, i was told (and this is not the first) that i have the mouth of an 80 year old. i tend to be the youngest patient in the periodontist’s office. i have juvenile periodontitis - HAD and since i’m an adult, i guess i have the adult version now. it’s hereditary and it just means that my mouth’s defenses are weak, so i can easily get gum infections. it was under control for the most part and for the longest time until this bout of depression. this bout made it so difficult for me to follow up on appointments, taking my full course of antibiotics … etc. that it’s just gotten worse. I MEAN REALLY WORSE. had i just followed up with surgery back then … or taken my full course of antibiotics when i should’ve. it’s funny because this is the only time in a long time that i’ve been able to stay on top of this.

i think that since no one is around treating me like a child and reminding me …. i am taking responsibility for myself. i’ve never had this feeling before. i was usually proactive at work and with other people, but when it came to my thing… i was always passive. probably because i had “parents” telling me what i needed to do all the time. and because of that, i NEVER had to be responsible for myself. sounds stupid i know. especially coming from a 33 year old.

i am glad that i am taking this time for myself. to learn what freedom and independence means, but to also learn the responsibilities of having such freedom and independence. i still struggle and i still want to be taken care of. but hey, that’s the role i’ve always had. i’m breaking that mold and it’s hard. i do have to say that i’ve come a long way.

i’m outside right now trying to get some sun. it’s bright out. i hope this does something for my mood.