my life with depression.com

what a difference a few years and antidepressants and a therapist makes.

i was kidding myself. i became lonely in my marriage. i felt my life passing me by and that i was living the life of a 40 or 50 year old with kids. i was bored; though the money kept flowing. the depression got worse. pops attempted suicide a few times. i had a husband who was non supportive. ruel then shiya - both dead. work was also pressing down on me. how can a girl survive? i wrote that i was going through a mid-life crisis EVEN way back in 2001.

i was drowning and i could not breath with the extra control issues that S2BX had to have. i was not happy with the way my relationship was heading. i constantly left for southern california to get support as it was lacking up here.

for the second time in my life, i felt my life spinning down the drain.

i struggled to get out of bed. i lost many times.

i disappeared and went to paris.

my therapist says it’s what i used to get S2BX’s attention. not even until then did he believe in how depression affects a person. “mind power” was where he was.

i was expected to recommit to someone who saw himself as perfect who really didn’t have an open mind to change. perhaps it.s like quitting any addiction. why do it if he’s the shining star at work - which fortunately AND unfortunately he was.

all the while i was hitting the lowest point of my life. alone. alone like those other years and i was too weak.

i look at S2BX and who do i see?

i see someone who was my bestfriend. someone who i shared my most intimate, yet someone who was so far from me. as he still took on the role of the father in our relationship. so my sharing ended at a certain boundary. i see someone who i love with all the pain and love and joy that i can ever feel for someone. i see my soulmate, yet i see my biggest enemy when it comes to fulfilling my needs and dreams. i see my partner who demoted me to a “pee-on” in “our company.” a pee-on who was treated worst than his employees at work. i see a man who had such self importance, one who tried to communicate with me, but since we don’t communicate well, we failed.

i feel like i’m giving up. i don’t want to give up. i don’t want to, but i tried and i asked for the longest time.

i guess it all boils down to respect. if he respected me, he couldn’t talk down to me. he couldn’t be condescending when i was weak. and he would’ve helped me. he would have more confidence in me and he would’ve loved me like an equal partner in our marriage. now i find myself within all these memories ready to leave it all behind.

it’s hard. i just ran into my “M and S2BX” memory box. it’s of our first year together. so many hopes and feelings and dreams. so bright eyed. no sense of jadedness. just alot of hope for the future.

i found one of my many diaries and i updated it with this post.

some of what i found in this diary:

april 28 1995:

-where’s the eric that i’ve been waiting for

-where’s the guy who’s suppose to sacrifice for me - even if he doesn’t want to do something

-where’s the guy that’s suppose to consider how i feel.

-the guy that i could confide in without feeling like he thinks my feelings are trivial

-where’s the guy that’s suppose to listen to me

-to comfort me when i’m crying

-to compliment me — to love me right

-to spoil me

-to love me and accommodate my needs, wants, desires.

ERIC = ego, vulnerable, pride, selfish, last born

M = alone, sad, depressed, lonely, pride, first born

Nov 3, 1995

M (heart) jason

-show of outward support

-compromise

-learn how to enjoy life

-show some security

-don’t father me

-i DON’T WANT TO EAT THE VEGGIES ON THE SIDE!

July 10 1997

S2BX - rebound, perspective, life that i want, understands my core beliefs, sexy lips, “what would you like?”, enjoys life, comforting, both wanting to fill that empty void, excited about business as he is, supportive, not restricting, going too fast, falling to fast, getting transfered, rebound

AH WELL. i guess one can just learn and apply that to the future. NO MORE rebounds for ME!