my life with depression.com

[LINK TO: learn to communicate]



told you i was going to end up crying today.

had an appointment with S2BX, realtor and the title company to sign papers for escrow. we will close escrow next thursday. thank goodness. one less thing to have to worry about.

so while we were eating lunch after the signing, he starts talking about the divorce lawyer and what is taking her so long and … blah blah blah and if i were you, i would’ve just called them instead of emailed them and we’ve been talking about this for so long now … and why is the divorce taking so long…. and that i should call and double check with the office that we will not have to pay for anything if we file the agreement after may first as we filed for divorce last year may…

number one, i reminded him that there were email issues and that’s why we’ve had to wait longer. number two, i reminded him that the lawyers said that there would be no repercussions if she filed the divorce agreement after may. so there is no such thing as too late… i told him that i felt comfortable with her answer, but he didn’t. he wanted me to call her and ask what IF we ended up paying something … ..

you know … this is getting too long … basically, i told him to stop all the you should you should you should or if i were you if i were you if i were you’s because i was feeling like the way i handled it was not sufficient. i reminded him what caused the delay and if you disregard that time period, then the lawyer hasn’t really taken all that long to work on our divorce. so i told him to stop doing what he was doing because i was not him and if he wanted to get it done faster, then he can do the paperwork himself. obviously he wanted the lawyer to do it because he didn’t want to have to.

well, this argument went around and around and around in a circle. he said that i was turning the situation around and i was doing a mother and son relationship and that i was “taking the power position.” i told him that i apologized, but now HE knows how it feels. i know i shouldn’t have added that little bit at the end, but i was just telling him how i was feeling and what made me feel like that!

first of all, i can’t take the mother-son position because he won’t let me… he laughed cause he wasn’t letting me — NOT THAT I WAS - cuz i wasn’t trying to.

second of all i blamed him for NOT dropping the subject. i blame myself too cause he said it always goes back to him AND that i contributed too. so i stopped talking and he continued…. gosh!

he did say that he feels like i am overly sensitive and that of course he is going to disrespect me and so on and so forth …. he cares about me! i could not believe he was relating it to “family always gets treated the worse because they are family.” on the contrary i said, i expect more respect from him than anyone else as he’s known me longer than anyone! and i told him that i don’t want to surround myself with people who are not respectful. it’s my choice. he’s like ” ok, then we’ll just make all our contacts business then.” i said “fine, but you’re the one asking for it.” outside after lunch, i told him that i wasn’t going to follow him to redwood shores to pack up more of my stuff… because i didn’t want to. AND THAT it wouldn’t be business… he ends it with, “oh come on, you know i didn’t mean it…” ARGGGGGGG!

i’m sure he feels that i’m sensitive because i am no longer playing the victim. i am being proactive in telling him how his words or actions make me feel. i’m sure he thinks that I AM being sensitive because i never used to tell him when i didn’t like how he was saying something to me or if he was being rude to me.



i didn’t cry when i was just going through junk and throwing a bunch of stuff away. i did cry when i found three roses made of palm leaves. it reminded me of the happy days and i thought about the little nook that i used to display it at so that i would always see it on the way to the bedroom and smile. i haven’t seen those handmade roses in like 6 years.

i got a hug from him. i told him that i wish we were in the future already because i really hurt. he said that i just have to hang on just a little longer and everything will be finished. and that there’s no more place to go but up. and that once all of this is done, he can concentrate more on how to treat me better. (i know he meant well when he said that. i just kept my mouth shut) and that this difficulty is why he wanted everything to move faster. i can have my independence and start my business. he said that it’s really hard for him too but that the bright side is that we still have our friendship. so many other couples leave the marriage with so much anger.

i don’t think that i’ve seen that softer comforting side of him in almost NEVER! well, at least for the longest time to where i can’t even remember anymore. he usually hardens and gets angry with me in reaction to my emotions.

i wanted to scream at him so much! WHY COULDN’T YOU DO THAT WHEN WE WERE MARRIED???? WHY DO YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW TO BE SOFT WITH ME? WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BEEN THERE FOR ME AND SUPPORTED ME EMOTIONALLY?? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME SOOO LONELY ALL THOSE YEARS???!!!


but i didn’t so i just mentioned that i’ve been thinking a lot and that i used to think personalities played such a role in the relationship - even our relationship. now i’m thinking it’s more about communication. at weddings, the longest married couple always gives the advice of communication. but communication can be done so many ways. telling someone that you are hurting can be “your actions made me feel really sad” or “YOU MADE ME SAD YOU A$$HOLE WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT!!!” sometimes it’s the words that we use, sometimes it’s being open to the words or sometimes it’s the emotion or lack of emotion that comes with it. sometimes it’s none - no communication of feelings at all.


i told him that we didn’t do such a good job at communicating and that i’m focusing on improving that so it doesn’t hurt me in my next relationship. i really think that if we just learned how to communicate we could’ve broken through the depression, the father-daughter relationship, the control issues - shit! all of our issues. we could’ve survived. if only someone taught us how to better our communication skills, maybe we could’ve talked more about our feelings and not fight about stupid shit.

but this fairytale didn’t happen that way and cinderella has to go find a new prince.

i have that “i’m giving up too easily feeling” again.



oh god. i just finished two twinkies and some dried mangoes from whole foods.



[LINK TO: learn to communicate]