therapy on relationship with S2BX, vulnerability and my surgeon
Friday, April 27th, 2007 i’m tired and i forced myself to go to my french talking group. i really had to force myself. the past two days have taken their emotional tole on me.
i had therapy today. i told her the events of yesterday. about how S2BX called me sensitive. my therapist said that he’s just not used to me standing up for myself. i also talked to her about my feelings about giving up too soon and learning about the importance of communication … and how i wish we had learned better communication skills and how i played a part in the breakdown of the marriage — and she’s like “what if you were tall …. ” she said i might as well say that too!
she said it was sad for me that i’ve been able to see some views of S2BX where he is responding to me in a positive way. and it sucks that i can see those glimpses, but i can’t hold on to them. S2BX just can’t give me whå† i need. she says it’s incredible that we are able to still hang out and have a good relationship through the divorce. many people do things to the other that’s really spiteful and mean. i guess- even though there’s a lot of pain and disappointment, i ultimately still love him sooooooooo much. i love who he is, i love hanging out with him, i love joking with him, i love being stupid with him, i love philosophising with him and i love talking about business with him. i just hate the way he treats me.
she says that S2BX is not ready to give me what i need. she’s glad that i’m not closing the door on him and that we are able to maintain our friendship. i know that i have to let it go, but it’s just so hard. my FRENCHIE said that i need to focus on what S2BX have NOW and what we had/could’ve had. i know! it’s just hard. it’s hard to let go. i know he’s bad for me right now … i know … even though, it’s still hard.
we also talked about my FRENCHIE is becoming a little bit more vulnerable to me. my issue with him was that he didn’t share. i guess what i meant was that he didn’t want to be vulnerable. i guess i understand as my divorce is not final. but i am feeling good that he is now comfortable in becoming more vulnerable. at least i know where he wants to go with our relationship.
my therapist said that i am doing so well. she said that aside from the extras (therapy, psych, meds) I MAKE THE DIFFERENCE. i’ve mad the difference in that i made things happen. i made the decision to get some distance and perspective, i chose to learn french and go to paris and socialize and this and that and that and this. i’m glad she’s positive i’m waiting for a little bit more time to be as positive. don’t get me wrong though… i know that i’ve come a long way and it’s been a bitch of a time. i just want a longer time period of having controlled depression.
i’m tired and i’m gonna finish listening to the MSNBC debate comments for the democratic party.
OH! i went to the surgeon’s office and i’m getting ALL FOUR wisdom teeth AND molar. i’m not even thinking about the pain. i just want to over. oh, the doctor said i had advance perio NOT adult … fab.u.lus.
