my life with depression.com

can you say YUMMY!?? i’m totally fattening up on some ben&jerry’s ice cream right now.

it’s my incentive for working all day. today was another emotional day… well, maybe just around noon + or - 3 hours.

i got a call from S2BX. i was suppose to go to redwood shores to pick up some boxes, but i ended up not feeling like it. i asked him if he took the plant. he said that he threw it away. i got upset. i gave him this plant like … almost 10 years ago. when we first got together. i gave it to him as a present. the plant kinda grew with us as a couple. it’s the only plant that i was ever able to keep alive. everything else dies. i even had one that died and it was located in the kitchen where i can keep an eye on it. i watered his plant when i used to visit. then i watered it once we were living together. after we were married, i kept on watering it. so i guess it started to symbolize something for me, but nothing for him. was that kinda deep? the plant = my marriage?

i initially hurt when he told me he threw it away, but i guess i would’ve wanted to keep it and maybe put it in a new pot or something … maybe to symbolize our new relationship which is a continuation of the last 10 years. it only took me less than 3 minutes to be oka with it. it’s just another change. i accept and i move forward. i’m probably just trying to hold on to it and creating heart ache for no reason. i would probably just look back at it and think it silly. i think i want to talk to my therapist about my plant. … i mean his plant. i’m getting sad about it, but at the same time i’m kinda somber. but at the same time, i’m happy.



i’m happy because my FRENCHIE and i had a deep conversation today. of course i was the one that brought up something that i wasn’t feeling comfortable with. they say that women tend to be the initiators of change in a relationship. so maybe i’m just playing my role. i was feeling a lack of intimacy in my life again. i don’t expect my FRENCHIE to be able to fulfill a lot of those needs right now. it’s kinda hard when you are in another country. 9 hours ahead. sleeping in the sister city (paris) of my city (san francisco). i just want to know more details about his everyday. i used to ask how his evening classes were after classes. i used to get: fine. or gastroenterology - as an answer to “so what did you learn that’s new tonight?’ i kinda felt left out when his dad passed. and when his grandfather passed. but a little less when his aunt passed recently. again i felt distant when he didn’t tell me on the day that it was his dad’s death anniversary. i tried to be there for him the next day just to find out that it was “yesterday.” that killed me. still kills me and i feel like crying again. i’m just gonna let it out.

i think he feels closer to me because i keep this blog up. i’m honest in this and who i am is what this blog is. i don’t tailor it for anyone, i just type and i try to talk about my feelings. plus i have a tendency to be an open book anyway. but for me, i need the same back. you know… like when you experienced nothing exciting all day, but just to share the nothing spectacular parts of your day with your partner creates intimacy. but i guess maybe i’m looking for something too hard and maybe i shouldn’t. after all, i have to learn to not be so dependent on someone. that probably means emotionally too. maybe i would be stronger or better not having that for awhile or mabye it would make me stronger. i think maybe he and i have different opinions of sharing. he says that it’s not natural for him anymore given that he’s lived on his own for … i don’t know … like 5 or 6 years or something? i told him that it’s gonna have to change. that’s what i love about him so much. he tries. maybe he doesn’t do it perfectly or maybe it takes him awhile, but he always comes through for me. that just means he loves me. and i guess that’s what makes me so patient.

am i making any sense at all? it’s so funny because i sometimes think that he knows me better or is more aware of how i work when it’s happening. i’ve recently discovered within the past two years that i get upset about something as an opener to something that is really more important. it usually takes me some time to realize what is really bothering me or what it is i’m really not happy with.

this one brought us to where our relationship is going. i want at least a five year plan. if he and i can’t even see what the next five years is going to look like, then i don’t need to put myself through not getting whatever intimacy i really need any more. i can go find someone else who can possibly give me more intimacy. i don’t mean sex. i mean emotional intimacy. shit. i can go get sex too when i’m wanting it. well, maybe not. single people supposedly have sex far and few in between. i guess that’s me. did i say that phrase right? besides, i don’t want any of that from anyone else.

i’m tired, but i don’t want to go to bed yet. it’s 11pm. i’m stressed out too. my depression is costing me an additional arm and leg. i hate spending money unless it’s at a top restaurant. louis vuitton purse. family. special boy in my life. i know. i should love myself first and spend it on myself and getting better first.