my life with depression.com

i was with my friend angelica yesterday. it’s only been two weeks since i’ve seen her and pascal, but in just two weeks, pascal is now able to crawl on all fours. he’s no longer doing the tummy-military crawl. gosh that little kid is amazing…. i’m just in awe. i hope that i have a cute baby like him.

i’m feeling that mommy thing again. maybe i need to stop hanging out with angeleeeeeka and pascal. maybe it’s just that i have so much love to give and i want to give it away. maybe i’m feeling that feeling of having full on intimacy again since it’s been years since i’ve had it AND I NEED IT. i’m miserable without it. maybe i’m just getting that needing intimacy RIGHT HERE AND NOW feeling that people who are at risk for a rebound feel. who knows.

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it’s 7:10 pm and i just got back to the loft again. S2BX and i did the final cleaning of the townhouse today. luckily when i got there, he was still taking things to his apartment. the last things that we needed to do was vacuum the floor on the first floor and clean the marble entryway. we sorted through what was left in the garage … nothing really … i loaded up … we swept the garage clean… i gave him a long hug … and i left.

i felt kinda numb inside. i had this i don’t care feeling anymore. i didn’t even feel that overwhelming loving feeling for him today. i was surprised. kinda glad too because i was balling driving home last monday. i cried to kevin AND my friend minnie as i was driving home.

i’ve been frustrated with finding a location for my infant/toddler care center. i need at least 1000 sq ft. of out door space and here in emeryville, you are lucky to even find a backyard. there are only 200 houses here. a real estate agent just told me that today. that plot of land was in a residential neighborhood. it’s 3000 sqft and is selling for $300K. i wanted to put a modular building there, but it’s only zoned for residential. i guess back to the drawing board.

i’ve really been focussed on this business thing. sometimes i get discouraged, but then i think … SHIT i gotta make some money! i’ve got all these ideas running in my head. i’ve been driving without listen to the radio or talking on the phone so i can just let my mind run free.

spoke with my friend jackie. she’s in her early 40’s and is divorced. she had the worst divorce with her lawyer husband. note to self: never marry a lawyer. she says that i’m am lucky and fortunate to have S2BX as a friend still. she hasn’t spoken to her X since 2003 and they still share custody of their 17 year old son. i guess she didn’t even know where her son was living in atlanta for 9 months while her X tried living and working there. he hated it and moved to back to san diego. i called her to invite her to the ALZA reunion that i am putting together. i do it every year. but since the big national urology meeting is in the los angeles area, a lot more of our old co-workers will be able to attend. i can’t wait.

jackie said that my FRENCHIE and i are welcomed to stay with her and her boyfriend in her 4 bedroom in carlsbad - san diego area. that’s one bedroom for her, one for her boyfriend, one for me and one for my FRENCHIE.

i feel somewhat somber again. i wasted time at michael’s art store and purchased a glue gun and some glue. i’m gonna do an art project since i have not been inspired to paint. OH! i have a box at the post office. i think my sampaguita jasmins are here! yippy! i love the smell of those flowers.

escrow closes tomorrow. i took pictures inside, but i dropped my 5 month old camera … no need to go any further