my life with depression.com

wow, it’s almost 5pm and i’d have to say that the day went rather fast. so, yesterday, i had my therapy again just like every thursday for the past year. the number one thing that i wanted to talk to her about was the plant thing. (click here) she also made a connection with how i nurtured that plant like i tried to with my marriage and relationships. i told her that i was hurt because S2BX was just able to throw his plant away - the plant that i gave him - the plant that grew with us during our 10 years together. i guess it’s like … how can he nurture and take care of me and our relationship when he can’t even nurture and take care of his plant. my therapist suggested that maybe he wasn’t ready to have someone in his life who is nurturing. i guess the problem with that character trait of mine is that i nurture others too much to where i end up not taking care of myself. my real estate agent and i talked about this and how it can be an issue for women. taking care of everyone except yourself. sacrificing for everyone else except for yourself.

i told her how i gave S2BX a long hug in front of the garage after he and i finished clearing everything out and sweeping the floor. i also told her that he tried to wiggle out and i wouldn’t let him until he said “this isn’t a place for this.” my therapist was focused on how that made me feel. i told her … i was like … whatever … that’s just him and that’s why we are getting a divorce … and i still love him anyway … she was happy to see that i didn’t let that affect me. i think prior to my therapist and i focusing on how i confront and respond to situations really is helping me. i would have normally gotten all pissed off and mad and i would victimize myself. this time, i took better control of my emotions and i didn’t let him bother me. so i went in the car, rolled down the windows and asked him to call if the agents call and i said good bye and i was off. click here to read: the victim

she is in wonder that S2BX and i are able to retain our friendship and dignity through this. she says that i can’t even imagine what other couples do to each other. we acknowledge that there is still some anger because i told her that i hope S2BX regrets loosing me when he finally understood what he had in me. anyways, she says that’s normal. but she’s happy that he and i are able to sit and eat and joke and talk like normal people.

i told her that i think the reason for all my energy and motivation is because of this. the fact that S2BX and i are not out to get one another. i likened it to my fight with my friend angelica - not the one with the baby - and how i ended it on a sour note and i said that i’d had it. my therapist said just to apologize for my part and move forward. she said that it takes too much energy to purposely avoid someone or to not call them and to spend so much time on that type of thing. to me, it’s having a heavy heart. i know how i felt before and after i apologized for my side of the blame and let me tell you…. my shoulder’s almost felt immediately lighter. let me find a link to that day … click here. i guess it takes more energy to hate or to be angry.

S2BX and i are not carry as heavy of a heart as other couples. respect and dignity are the two words i keep hearing when i talk to people about our new relationship.

my therapist said that i could’ve gone into hiding underneath my covers in bed, but instead, i’m out and about … re-connecting with people, i’m planning our ALZA reunion, i’m signed up for a “sensual dance class” - don’t laugh, i’m making nice with my neighbors and creating relationships … she’s really happy about that. she asked me where i think i’m getting all this energy from. that’s when i told her that because i don’t have to use any energy on bad feeling that weigh you down on S2BX, i am able to focus my energy into other positive things!

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is there a researcher in the house?