my life with depression.com

i was clearing out some emails when i ran into this one. i sent it to my FRENCHIE back on 8/06. at that time, i was getting a lot of push, not from him, but from everyone else to just move home. i would have to say that there were only three people that really believed it best for me not to move home. those three are: me, my FRENCHIE and my therapist.

we all thought that i would regress back to being my parent’s “child.” my therapist is seeing a pattern where everyone treats me as if i’m a breakable china doll or something. so breakable- as if i have to be saved from myself or that i can’t do it.

i guess there is a dichotomy in the way people have seen me. first there’s the M who was strong, a spit-fire and someone successful and travelled (in their eyes) and this and that, but that was me with S2BX - even when i was at the height of my depression, i wasn’t treated as fragile as i am now. the second is the helpless M that everyone has to protect as she is fragile.

Hi my FRENCHIE,

Okay, here are some thoughts as to why I will not move back to my parents. I’ve always known that I didn’t want to and that it would not be the best, but I finally have a train of thought on it. Here goes:

I lived under my dad’s roof for however many years. Then I moved under S2BX’s only to go back under my dad’s if I go back to Walnut. Some say that it’s temporary until I get “better” or until i figure out what I want to do or that it would benefit all parties (my mom, dad and me).

It seems that the biggest reason really is economically. I would “save” my money and not burn through it. I thought, let’s just say I don’t work for the next 6 months… how much is that really? Maybe $15K? Is fifteen thousand really a lot of money? To me, right now? No it’s not. I’m willing to spend $15K to not have to move back home.

Sure moving back home would be nice in that my dad would have company. My mom and I can do our weekend dates. I can see my cousins and family and friends. The only problem is that I don’t want to hang out with them! If I’m going to, I want to hang out with them on my own terms. I don’t want to feel forced or obliged. Being near family = expectations and I don’t care to take care of anyone else’s expectations.

Besides, will it really be mentally healthy for my dad, mom and I to form a routine while I’m home only for me to break that routine up when I move out? I don’t think so. Is saving the $15K so important that I put money before my mental health? No I don’t think so.

There is a reason why S2BX and I worked and saved hard. It’s so that when times like these hit, neither one of us are phased out or shaken. Money shouldn’t be an issue because of all the sacrifices from the past. Those sacrifices bought the freedom to not have to stress out so much right now. Besides, $15K is just a drop in the bucket and is nothing.

These are thoughts that I’ve not blogged yet.

I’ve had other thoughts but this is getting to long.

Oh, and I ask that you don’t tell your mom about me just yet. Why? Because I would like to have more time with you so that you and I both know how much “sharing” we are both comfortable with. How much “nakedness” and “real-life reality” our relationship is ready for or will ever be ready for.

my Frenchie, I really adore you and I really love you. I love the affection, support, love, patience, steadiness, logic and heart that you have with me. Am I being overly dramatic? Bien sur! Je suis M!

Loves.

i woke up at 3am this morning and called my FRENCHIE. it was 12pm paris time. we talked about how i had my first thought of failure and doubt. about … my not being 100% confident as i’ve been. about how … what if i find out that my business skills are not what i thought they are … what if i don’t execute my business plan right … what if the assumptions that i’ve built are all WRONG … what if i fail. i can’t fail….. i’m doing everything on my own terms now - so I CAN’T FAIL.

my FRENCHIE was so supportive. he said first of all, i’m not going to fail. second of all, it’s not like buying the location that i’m going to be in and that the risk is going to be lower because i’m researching and educating myself. he said some other things that helped to put my mind at ease, but i don’t remember as i was sooo tired. i just know that he’s the only one who’s been so encouraging to me aside from my therapist in the longest time. that extra push is really helpful right now. but you know at the same time, he’s reminding me to keep both feet on the ground since i have the tendency to have my head in the clouds. i said okay, but i still want to have at least one toe off the ground!

oh my friend LAN was also very encouraging too. i guess she read a bit of my blog to catch up on my life. she’s glad that i’ve been “industrious” in my post-S2BX life. although my friend is a biatch, i love her and i am very lucky to have her. it’s nice because we live our own lives, but it’s great that we can just get together as if we’ve never been apart. i’m really seeing who are my loyal friends through tough and thin and who are not.

here’s a picture of us in salt lake, utah heading up the mountain to go snowboarding. that redhead is HANS. he was her DUTCHie — ha ha get it??? i have my FRENCHIE … she had her DUTCHie??? i’m so funny …