my life with depression.com

related topic: decisions



well, i was going to talk about my thoughts yesterday night but i ran into this article and it made me mad and i wanted to say a li’ il suh-in-suh-in = that’s literally how it’s pronounce right?

anyways, late last night, i was looking over the mezzanine loft at my little plants and i got the weirdest feeling.

i guess i had a moment of reflection and i thought to myself … i can’t believe that this is me and this is where i am. it astounds me that a year ago at this time, i couldn’t get out of bed let alone take a shower. also, at this time last year i was so confused and lost. i was scared about my future. S2BX and i filed our divorce papers this month. there was a six month waiting period so we figured that we would evaluate our relationship in december. if we still wanted to stay together, then we would not take action on the paperwork. if we did want to separate and divorce, then at least the paperwork has been filed and we don’t have to do the six month cooling off period.

related topic: decisions

OH! i’d just gotten terminated by my company too even though i was on a state short-term disability leave because i just succumbed to my depression. i couldn’t fight it anymore.

i could no longer fake the smile like i did for the past two years. i was crying in offices (while my manager was with me), i was loosing my patience with the people that i lead (i am especially known for having a tremendous amount of patience) and the extreme pressures that you get in pharmaceutical sales was especially weighing me down and killing me. the expectation of hitting that quota and making my numbers killed!

[ to find out more about my industry, CLICK HERE ]

i’d just started therapy with karen (3 month in may) and we were working on getting me to the pictures that i picked out from a pile that she had.

i picked out this woman who was doing yoga. she seemed so at peace. she was relaxed. she was content. she was alone and she was with herself. another pictures that i picked out was that of a puppet whose strings were just cut. the puppet was free and the puppeteer had no more control over him. lastly, i picked a black and white photo of a child’s hand being held by someone’s hand.

those were the pictures that i picked. those pictures represented what i wanted for my life.

looking at my life now. now that i’ve had almost three whole months of good days and good weeks, it’s encouraging to know that i am almost getting to my goals. i no longer feel like i am being controlled. i now feel like i am in charge of my destiny. i am starting a business on my own without S2BX all up in it to make sure i don’t fail. i no longer feel like i’m under HIS thumb and my regional manager’s thumb. i am now ok being alone with myself. in fact, i’ve found that it’s more peaceful and i can be with myself and my thoughts. i am slowly starting to venture out into the world. one baby step at a time. i’ve gone to the movies by myself. even during the busy times. that’s even something my “confident” friends wouldn’t do. i’ve eaten alone a few times. that was enjoyable. and i am now becoming equals with S2BX and he is slowly learning that i am not the same M and i will say something when i am not happy. OH!

that’s another thing. i’m learning to deal with my emotions. i am now learning to think before i act or respond for that matter. i am learning to say: no. i don’t feel like it. i’ll think about it. maybe.

i’ve distanced myself from everyone and i cocooned, but i am now slowly starting to make an effort to shorten those gaps.

well, there’s more. perhaps i’ll continue my reflections later. right now, i have to work on my business plan.



but most importantly, i’m feeling like an adult.