my life with depression.com

son of a rat bastard!

i just opened up my credit card bill, highlighted my expenses like blue=food, orange = optional expense, green = medical stuff, pink = gas etc and found that i spent $501 on shit.

when i say shit … i don’t even mean tangible shit or shit that i had fun doing or shit that’s trivial. i mean shit on NOTHING.

i missed 2 appointments with my psychiatrist back when i was not doing well recently in march. once, i came in just past the the cut-off time and the doctor was already gone, so i became a “no show”. the other time was when i was on the bridge. my psych called me to see if i was coming … i told her yes but that i would arrive way past the cut off. that was a “no show”. i ended up actually being on time with my therapist. we ended up talking why i was “dragging” again. had to do with selling my property, gramma in a coma, S2BX etc.

the other is with my cell phone. i don’t have a land line and i’ve only used my cell. well, i decided to get a Voice over IP service with skype. after that, i thought that perhaps i can cut my cell plan down and just pay $50 and use the VoIP while i was home. i’d end up paying less. well, i’m still waiting for my skype plan to kick in! it was suppose to kick in within a few days or something. i’ve still not received an email and they’ve not taken money out of my account. i’ve had a lot on my plate recently, so i forgot to increase my cell plan again. needless to say, ….. my bill was extra large.

i hate repercussions of depression that costs money… the cell was my bad, but regarding all the work i have to do on my gums and mouth and teeth, paying for appointments that i miss … etc.

i talked to my therapist about my tremors from yesterday. she kinda scared me because she said that if it still persists during the next three days, i should get my thyroid checked out. i still have the tremors, but it’s not as bad as yesterday. at least my head doesn’t feel funny. yesterday, i told my friend kevie that i kinda felt like i was high or something. NO i was NOT. but i felt like i was.

as for my visit to my friend chris’ office, everyone was so surprised. when i saw chris i practically jumped on top of him … well, i did jump. i told them about the depression and how everything just weighed me down (if you link there, you’ll see my neice). all those deaths, work, relationships, home etc. … and finally, my one year old niece passing after she miraculously lived a year. that one really broke me. i told them that i wanted to write everyone a letter and let them know that i was not going to be around for awhile, but i just couldn’t. they all understood and are happy that i am doing better. i told them that my smile was not being forced and that i am feeling happy.

talking about writing everyone … i know that it sounds so easy - photocopy one letter and send or email, but at that point in my depression, i couldn’t get myself to do anything. i couldn’t even call them. i guess it was part of cocooning myself and protecting myself from anymore hurt. i did that all throughout 2006 pushing everyone away verbally. i still can’t explain not being able to “do” easy things. all i can say is that i couldn’t. i just couldn’t. my S2BX used to have a hard time understanding this. he was from the side of “suck it up” it’s “mind power.” he never took the time to understand the disease and by the time he tried, it was too late. i don’t hate him for it. that was just where we were.

OH YEAH! i am finding myself laughing out loud while watching comedies on TV. it’s been a long time. i used to sit there and i’d watch S2BX just bustin’ up laughing at something on TV and all i can get out was a chuckle. i’m glad that i’m able to find things funny again. i love hearing myself just react and laugh. it’s soo different from how i used to be.