my life with depression.com

ok. enough about NICKIE … that little pee and poop machine!

well, maybe one story … before i left for therapy, i put out a pee pee pad in the balcony where she was going to stay while i was out. before i left, i took a peek only to find my little NICKIE laying comfortably on her pee pee pad as if it were her bed. crazy dog. one good news is that when i got back, she did use it for what it’s suppose to be for.



so therapy went well. I told my therapist about my weekend …. socializing … having a little bit of a conversation with my brother - if you can call our exchange conversation, my mom who is usually not demonstrative of “love” emotions - comforting me as i was balling while watching my gramma’s funeral CD. about how my dad has more pep in his voice … and how i’m glad and how i didn’t see my sister or her munchkins ….

i told her that i don’t feel the same about the kids anymore. before, i would do anything for them and i would spend anything for them. i bought them both golf clubs and accessories, i’ve taken them to the driving range multiple times … but i told her that i don’t think i can do that now. i told her that i REALLY REALLY loved them and now …. it’s kinda like …. huh …. their my sister’s kids and i love them, but that’s it. nothing more. my therapist said that i’m an ALL OR NOTHING type person and i have to find a balance in that. it’s like i will take care of you, but if you are still a point A, then F-it. you get nothing and i get disappointed and sad.

today, i learned what the difference between TO CARE FOR or TO TAKE CARE OF …. i need to be more “to care for” and i need to be able to separate myself from my family’s life. i can listen to them … i can share in the fun times and i will be there for the bad times, but i should not take care of them for different reasons, but for one thing … i tend to not set boundaries for myself when it comes to giving. she said that i give too much of myself and i end up getting hurt… kinda like what my FRENCHIE once told me … if someone is drowning, you don’t jump in there and try to save them. you can throw the life preserver or a floating log or something, but if i’m not a good swimmer or if they use me as a flotation device, then i will drown with them and that’s not any good for anyone.

we talked about my brother and my saying hello in passing - i did it for my dad’s sake … and how we got into a small conversation about NICKIE and what i need to know about her. i guess my brother and i are playing the “sensing game”. i’m trying to tell my brother that he can’t say hurtful things to me like “i hope you commit suicide” or to punch below the belt, by cutting off communication - again it’s the ALL OR NOTHING in me - and my brother is trying hoping that i sense that he still wants a relationship with me. we are not just coming out and saying what it is in our mind.

i guess it’s a little like my relationship with my mom. my mom is the most personable person there is. she loves to throw and attend parties and she is always the center of attention … everyone can feel her warmth … but on the personal side, my mom is not the demonstrative type when it comes to love. it’s kinda just known … but this weekend, when i was balling while watching the funeral CD, she was comforting me. i don’t think i can remember if she’s ever comforted me like that. i guess rather than just implying that she loves me, she took the extra step to be more demonstrative. i guess i have to do that with my brother too. my therapist said that i have to remember that i’m the eldest to my siblings no matter what and they look to me to initiate things. i guess that’s true, so i’m to tell my brother that i love him (YUCK) and that i care about him and that after this weekend, i realized that i would still like to have a relationship with him. i also have to tell him how his comments made me feel. (perhaps it was nothing to him, but for me, it was a doozy) then i’m suppose to say that i will not tolerate comments like that.

i say the mushy stuff first so he doesn’t close off vs “let me tell you what you did to hurt me.” i guess saying that would cause one to become defensive first rather than open. then … i talk about my feelings and how much the words hurt me and finally, i tell him where my boundary is instead of “don’t talk to me about that anymore.” i clarified this in that it’s a matter of telling my brother what to do … or telling him … this is my boundary, you can do whatever or say whatever you like, but i will not tolerate things when my boundaries have been crossed. in that way, i am not telling him what to do.

oooh, getting really sleepy - probably from my meds …. i will nap before going to my french talking group tonight.