my life with depression.com

he stopped calling me “shweepy.” S2BX stopped calling me “shweepy, baby etc.” and just cut it down to “babe.” shweepy was my nickname because he said i was sweet and sleepy all the time. (i always fell asleep at 10:30 at night regardless of what movie we were watching at home.)

i remember i told him that he hasn’t called me shweepy in a long time. i don’t remember his answer to it.

i remember that whenever he came home later than me, i would walk down to the landing of the stairs to greet him and give him a kiss. i used to grab his attaché and put it down for him. grab his suit jacket and hang it for him.

i remember i made a conscience effort not to do that anymore. i did that back in 2005 at the hight of my depression. i wasn’t getting any support from him— well, i didn’t know at that time what i was getting, but i think that’s when i mentally divorced him. i didn’t have my therapist yet back then, so i still had a lot of scattered feelings and emotions that were not understood or known.

i don’t know why i’m remembering this. i’m sitting here in the dark. it’s 11:36 at night. i had an eventful day — i went SAKE tasting and met interesting people … i watched shrek and had dinner with my friend david and i got an invitation to an underground dinner with 9 courses and no one knows where it it yet until the chef sends out an email or something to those lucky few.

but instead … i’m writing about this.

i remember asking him to join me while i entertained clients — usually dinner at a 4 star restaurant. i remember he would usually just go when it’s at a 5 star or the times i had a whole suite at the laker games or finals — when they were on their winning streak.

i usually got a “no” when i invited him. somewhere, there must’ve been a point when i finally stopped inviting him. in the 5 years we were in the bay area, he’s only gone out 3 times with me and my clients.

maybe i’m writing about this because i just read this blog CLICK HERE where i ask myself … who am i? i wrote that every thing was great. and you know … on the daily basis, this were … “great!” we got a long, we laughed together … loved watching movies and would do lazy all day movie-thons. i guess, by looking at single snapshots of my life, it would seem that things were fine and dandy. when you look at it as a whole, things were not.