my life with depression.com

i’ve been feeling something lately and i can’t put my finger on it, but i think i finally have. i THINK i’m feeling anxious. i don’t know about what, but i think i can guess. i think i’m feeling anxious because i’m missing something and it’s something that i thought that i would get more of once things get finalized with S2BX — damn! when is he just going to be my X? i’m sick of calling him Soon2BeX.

i thought that i would feel more attractive or maybe even sexy or SOMETHING! but no. nothing. i get it here and there from my FRENCHIE when i can visit or vice versa, but maybe i’m just anxious to feel my blood boil again. to feel alive again. to have that skip in my step again … i kinda felt a little bit alive during the SAKE tasting that i went to. i was chatting it up with people and i felt like i was “attracting” some, but that was just an empty feeling. number one, i’m not exactly great at understanding “single” people pci up ques the guy who was opening a wine bar seemed confident and secure with himself, but lacked something. maybe it’s because he dropped NOBU’s name and he was just talking about the restaurant. the quiet one who was probably in his mid to late 30’s lacked sophistication.

one guy reminded me of my FRENCHIE. smart. funny … but older. but with a younger face like me. didn’t seem to be the macho type. —– i think that’s what i like. that’s what i like about my FRENCHIE. he doesn’t have to be all … mr. macho man.

oh my gosh. i’m gonna put my head down. i’m falling asleep. i fell asleep at 4:30 last night and only had about 4 hours of sleep.
i’m wondering if wanting to feel “alive” again is considered a bit of fantasy ….