my life with depression.com

i just spoke with S2BX to let him know what the lawyer said about our divorce papers being finalized. i told him that i hope to pick it up this thursday, but if they are not done, then next thursday since i will be in that area again.

he didn’t seem as rushed as he’s been in the past.

he was just kinda like: okay … i just wanted her to tell us what was going on.

i told him that i’ll set up a time for us to sign so i can get it back to her.

how do i feel?

fine on the phone with him, but now … i feel weird. i can’t express it right now and am glad that i’ll have therapy tomorrow. maybe i’ll be able to put words to what i’m feeling. maybe those feelings will develop more into something that i can pin point.

oh one feeling i just thought of was: disappointment — i didn’t hear any hesitation in his voice. as for me, i’m feeling … mixed up. i’m thinking about this morning. yesterday, i sent my FRENCHIE an email to see if he would be interested in seeing Pink Martini (they really hit it big in europe) along with the san francisco symphony this july. he said “YES YES YES YES YES!” so with that, i went ahead and ordered tickets. i will also make reservations at a restaurant. i thought it would be kinda cool for us to “celebrate” our two years of “knowing each other.”

i wish i could’ve taken that roll more with S2BX. i always told him that we should do this and that, but i never really got down to planning it. my excuse right now is that he was more of the planner in our relationship. besides, he was the one who had access to the internet all day. i was out in the field. so we didn’t see a lot. he didn’t want to buy season tickets to the symphony, but we have gone to see nat king cole’s daughter … what’s her name again? OH! Natalie King Cole. she was awesome! but that was in conjunction with mark and angelica. i can come up with more excuses for myself, but i won’t because that allows me to play the victim and i am not a victim and i also made choices.

i actually can’t imagine being in the same house with him. i’ve lived on my own now for 6 months and i’ve felt myself grow so much. the thought of him scares me. in fact, i was talking to him about the new AT&T service and whether it would be a good thing for me right now - without a hd tv. i was kinda feeling scared to tell him that i was planning on getting one this summer. i just said that it seems that the special offer would be worth it without an HD tv. so i said that i’ll just sign up when i get an hd tv. i’m still scared at times when i shouldn’t be. i’m trying to change that and i think i’ve done a decent job, it just didn’t happen today.

i guess maybe i’m feeling a bitter sweat moment.