my life with depression.com

i watched a french film about edith piaf. she’s like our frank sinatra but female. i think that she might’ve even been the original singer of sinatra’s famous song “la vie en rose” — which just happens to be the title of the movie. they’d just released it when i was back in paris this past february. it’s about her life but the moist poignant part for me and what made me cry was at her death bed when she starts to get glimpses of her life. one particular scene is when she sings the song “non, je ne regrette rien.” it means i don’t regret anything.

i held my tears in at the end of the movie (failed) and continued it inside my car. i had the song in my ipod. i kept crying and crying as i drove home. i remember as i left the theatre, i thought about my dream to conquer and be successful in business. i don’t think i’m ever going to realize that dream. you know the corporate one. if i start my business, it’s different. starting my own is probably better anyway…. then i thought about S2BX. the divorce is coming really really soon. for a second, i hesitated. then another second passed and then another and then another. i had the inclination of calling him and crying and just saying i love him. i do. he WAS my best friend. was. it still hurts and i still cry about it earlier and right at this moment. i still want to blame and i still want to know why he didn’t take care of me the way he was suppose to. now i have to live a different life where i don’t know what is in store in my future. i don’t even know what’s in store for me next week or next year. i am no longer part of that old life. i am no longer anything like who i was back then. i know who i am, but i look at the life i’m building and i step outside and i don’t see anything familiar — except NICKIE whom the family has had for 18 years. it scares me to death. it scares me that i have to survive by myself in this world and i don’t have that feeling of being safe — even if i fail. he’s not there anymore. that’s one thing that is hard is that my security in the future is no longer there. it’s all me and i’m scared. i feel like when i look at my days and my weeks, i feel like i’m not living it. like it’s just happening but i’m not living it. i’m starting a business with risks and costs of $200k, i’m borrowing money on my own and i don’t feel anything.

i just miss him. i miss us. i miss just hanging with him. i miss playing golf and gossiping about our family members. i never had to be afraid of being myself day in and day out. i miss that intimacy. i miss feeling like i’m still gonna be loved even if my tummy is big or i’m not attractive or if i make the smelliest farts — never happened — i feel so alone right now. people are just a phone call away, but i don’t want to talk to anyone. i just want darian to bring back our old life and i want him to take care of me now and not to leave me alone like the past years. i want those days where we had no money and when he still lived at mediterranean village in costa mesa - where we used to order pupusas and those days where HE WOULD take me to the county fair and not think it’s hokey. i hate him for changing. i hate him for putting business before me. i hate him for putting business before us. i hate him for breaking my heart and giving me a bunch of question marks!!!! i miss movie marathon and just vegging out and snacking all day watching movies. i miss calling asking who is going to pick up dinner that eveing or what we were going to eat.

i think my feeling about the imminent divorce has just showed itself. i hate him for not enjoying life. i hate him for being able to forget me. i hate him for thinking any sacrifices that i made so that we can be up in SF was nothing — though he soon realized he was wrong. ISN’T HE SUPPOSE TO REALIZED IT the minutes i make it? isn’t he suppose to be grateful? I DON’T EVEN WANT ALL THE MONEY. HE CAN HAVE IT ALL IF I CAN STOP FEELING LIKE THIS.i don’t want to feel like this anymore. when is it going to stop? when am i going to stop feeling these damn feelings!?!

how can we give up so easily? my therapist said that i’ve done a lot to try to make things work and at some point i need to know when to stop and move on. but what is that point? when i see him - physically — he’s almost like a stranger to me. i don’t recognize him i feel like he’s grown taller or i’ve gotten shorter. he talks to me in such a business manner — maybe to hide his feelings — i’m sure that’s what my therapist will say about that … i don’t even remember how it feels to kiss him — passionately. is it because it was lost along time ago? or is it just because it’s been so long ago.

they say not to get into a relationship with a depressed person. i can understand why. it puts that extra wedge between couples making it harder to work together to try and work out the differences in personality and to learn to give the other person what their needs are.

as i was crying and as i was driving back home listening to edith piaf’s song, i thought about how easily i can get rid of whatever feelings i’m feeling. i can just crash the car somewhere … then it’s all done. but the first thing that came to mind was my FRENCHIE. who would pick him up from the airport tomorrow? would he think that i forgot about him? would he think that i didn’t love him? where would he stay? how would he feel if he lost me? question: can’t i just be loved? will i keep wanting it but never getting it fully to where my heart feels content? will my heart ever feel content. if i’m standing at the alter again — that’s a big IF would i not have any hesitations like i did the first time around? standing there in front of everyone holding my breath and jumping in …. ?

i gotta remember that i’m 33 and that i’m not in my 20’s. my FRENCHIE makes me feel like it but i know i can’t take that time back and do a “do-over.”

maybe some of this is anxiety with the thought of my FRENCHIE staying with me for three months. my body doesn’t feel it, but i’m sure it’s there somewhere. what will the next three months have in store for me? realistically, i don’t like the fact that he doesn’t like pets — like dogs — like NICKIE. he said he will try hard, but we will see how he fathers her. since i don’t have my niece and nephew here to see, NICKIE will have to be their proxy.

i’m hungry. and it’s almost 10pm.

21:59pm juxtaposition between NICKIE and i



FOURTEEN.5 MORE HOURS BEFORE my FRENCHIE ARRIVES. (no emotion right now for !!!!!)