my life with depression.com

ok. it has been really hard to catch up. i’d talk about how exciting my 4th was or how much fun i’ve had with my two friends amy and lan these past two days or how great the symphony was last night but there is something else that’s eclipsing ALL OF THAT!

it’s my FRENCHIE. i am losing my patience with him! sometimes the baby play is way too much and sometimes i just want to say … I WANT TO DATE A MAN not a BOY! the cutsie bootsy is getting way too much and it’s been annoying the shit out of me.

also, i don’t know if there’s been a communication gap due to the language thing, but i am getting pissed of. earlier, i complained that our conversations have been ALL about his day at the lab or his coworkers or whatever. i brought this up because i’ve tried to listen and show an interest in his days. he has done the same, but i was telling a story. got cut off. and then we forgot about my story and it was back to his. i complained, but didn’t feel like continuing. the other day, i mentioned to him twice that i was going to pick him up from work, we eat dinner in SF prior to going to my french lessons. that morning, he’s talking about meeting his friend- who is also here from paris and who cannot even have dinner with him and then calling his friend nina out of the blue to have dinner. THEN maybe i can pick him up after my lessons?? as if i’m a fuckin’ taxis! i normally wouldn’t mind IF WE DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE PLANS FOR DINNER!!!! he blames it on his being tired, but it kinda hurts my feelings when i’m over here thinking we are going to have dinner and he’s planning dinner with some bitch!

i told him that i don’t think that i’m emotionally ready to be this close with somebody and that i don’t like loosing it and i hate the way i feel and that i have way too many needs right now like not feeling like i’m coming second or not at all and any resemblance of that i will jump at and tear someone’s head off and i don’t like that. i don’t like having all of this baggage and being super sensitive to things. i don’t like feeling like shit. maybe i should increase my meds so i can just be numb.

i hate the fact that my FRENCHIE is so understanding and how he says that it’s what’s expected and it’s normal given the fact that i’ve been in a relationship where the results are such and that we as a couple can work through that together and that he understands and wants to work with me on them for our relationship. even his perfectness with that make me want to get angry! i mean those are the words that every woman wants to hear, but for me, it just makes me angry. don’t get me wrong. it made me calm and it makes me happy, but i’ve got this thing right now where i WANT to be angry.

i love him and i see that man there and i love his playful side, but the baby play has to come down a bit. i am glad that he wants to meet my friends and was upset that he didn’t get to meet them this time around.

i say all of this and it’s all normal but i do have say that i love him and that he’s great with me and that he’s very gentle and kind and has a good balance to him overall. oh, and he has a lovely butt.

yes, i think that the next three months will be a good way to see whether such a long distance relationship should be maintained.