my life with depression.com

i have to write another post today. it’s about my relationship with my FRENCHIE. i’m noticing that he likes to tell me what to do. like i can’t have any grapes because we just ate a lot of sushi or i should slow down because i’m eating my grapes to fast — this is after HE started eating grapes too. he’s had a lot to say about my snacking. we americans snack differently from the french. anyways, i let him have his say and i go straight to the cupboard and grab my snacks anyways.

i’ve been verbal about it and i ask him if he’s telling me what to do. he usually stops pushing though. this brings me to a conversation that i had with my girlfriend - who i will call: LANNERS. she was dating a younger guy, HANS, from amsterdam who also liked to tell her what to do. the difference is that HANS didn’t stop pushing. i didn’t ask LANNERS how she handled it or if she just did whatever it was anyway, but knowing her and her personality, she probably did it anyways.

after her experience with HANS, she has vowed to never touch a younger boy. younger boys tend to try to mold you. i saw that in the younger S2BX when we were in our early to mid 20’s and i see that with my FRENCHIE now and LANNERS saw it with HANS. the nice thing about my frenchie is that he will stop pushing if you disagree.

WOW! i just had a déja vu. well, two. while typing this post but especially the last post. weird ’cause i just watched that movie.

i like the idea of starting from scratch with my FRENCHIE. i mean, i’ve made my money already and he hasn’t, but i’m starting over and we both “don’t have money.” so we both can be sure that we aren’t after each other for money. that’s what i liked about S2BX. we both started out with nothing. we were both in it for the potential of a long term relationship. i always thought that if i wanted something like that, i’d have to only date younger boys. i guess you’ll never know with both younger boys or older boys whether they just like you for your money, but the older boys tend to have been divorced with kids and i’m not going there. i guess the best person to date would be someone who is self made and has around the same amount of money as i do AND someone who is also “broke” in that they are starting all over too. i think i would feel comfortable with that.

my FRENCHIE doesn’t fall in any of those categories. he is starting new, but this is his first attempt, but at the same time, when we starting liking each other, it was all on line and he didn’t know that i had some money, so it didn’t matter. well, it’s not like i’m rich, but you know, he’s not a “golddigger.”

i talked about this with my downstairs neighbor over dinner once — who by the way is suppose to have a crush on me according to my FRENCHIE who says it’s in the way my neighbor looks at me — i don’t see him that way and i only see him as a dinner mate with whom i met through my other dinner mate CYNTHIA -my other neighbor when we go out 4-6 people deep. anyways, he says he’s been warned about golddigging girls — so that got me thinking about the boys.

anyways, my leftover from dinner is waiting for me …

oh yeah, i was in a b*tch aSS mood last week because i was PMSing and i’d lowered my lexapro in half. i thought that i’d see how i do. i guess i’d have to say the same as when i lowered it last, but this time, rather than being all weepy and crying, i was just mad and angry and bitchy! lexapro is the antidepressant that keeps my mood from going down too low. it doesn’t make me happy. it just keeps me from falling too low to that super depressed place.