my life with depression.com

ok. i said that i would write to tell if i felt the ring (birthcontrol) or not. yes. i think i felt it yesterday. he didn’t tell me if he felt it.

going off on a tangent but kinda dealing with something along the same lines, during my therapy session, my therapist asked why i felt like i had bring up the fact that i was hurting too and damaged and that i had a lot of baggage from my relationship with S2BX — when he was saying that he’s jaded by women and he can’t trust them. i answered that i felt like he’s forgotten that i suffered a great deal and that i have sooooooo much that i’ve lost because of this relationship. i told her about his lost in trust and how he trusted me with his life and there i was able to keep up a façade. i didn’t tell her this, but i think that that made me feel so bad about myself. i told her that i couldn’t tell him a lot of things for fear of his reaction. it ultimately came down to the fact that I COULDN’T TRUST HIM TOO. and i couldn’t do that for almost the whole length of our relationship. i couldn’t handle the fear of being judged and the lectured and “not being perfect” like him. so it was easier not to tell him my deep dark secrets. i didn’t tell him that i was on disablity with the other company due to depression. all that time, he thought that i was still going to work. eventually he found out. i couldn’t tell him that …. and i certainly couldn’t tell him ……. so i guess the trusting issue went both ways. he ended up breaking or never getting my trust from the start and i ended up loosing his at the end. what a pity and how sad it is.

i bring this up because i shared something with my FRENCHIE last night that was so intimate that not even S2BX knows about it. my FRENCHIE makes me feel safe and that i can be bare naked in front of him and i would STILL feel safe. it’s something that i’ve never shared with anyone before for fear of being judged. i wasn’t judged last night and i feel free.

i want to keep my FRENCHIE. i don’t want to let him go right now. i feel emotionally safe with him. my therapist noted that he’s wise beyond his years. yes. that is true. he is and he’s mine for now.



more on TRUST:

1. TRUST: he can’t trust me now, but i’ve never trusted him: The marriage ender

2. feeling safe in trust

3. not bring self-caused baggage into new relationships: trust is my issue