my life with depression.com

oh my gosh. my FRENCHIE just stabbed me in the back.

i am sooooo hurt right now and he still doesn’t understand. maybe it’s because i haven’t used anything that he’s trusted me with against him.

i felt naked, shamed and insulted. first i was in shock because i couldn’t believe he said what he said to me. then i just really felt hurt and cried. all of his softness and kisses and caresses and holding me — that’s the one thing that can usually weaken me when i’m upset or crying didn’t work. i felt already weak. he weakened me. this is why i never share the deepest thing if there is ever a chance that someone will use such an information against you.

i’ve been all or nothing lately. with the kids, ever since that thing happened with me my sister’s husband on top of my sister owing me $5K and not paying it back and how i don’t care anymore, i don’t feel the same about them. any four of them. i don’t care to spend any money on the kids. i don’t care to go the extra mile for them - or my sister include my brother into that mix too. i don’t feel like spending time with them necessarily, nor do i care if they ever get out of that type of life. i don’t want to try anymore. supposedly it’s a way of protecting myself.

i feel like i’m starting to feel like protecting myself against my FRENCHIE. for whatever we have to be all or nothing - with nothing being the one i choose. i don’t feel generous towards him anymore. i don’t feel like spending money on him anymore. i don’t feel like sharing deep deep secrets and feelings and wants and desires that even S2BX- my husband and partner for 10 years never knew- with him anymore. he just used one against me. i don’t even want to write it down because i feel really stupid and even though i don’t know who is reading this, i still can’t put it on here. i’m open with everything else but this i can’t share.

i have a little over a month more with him and i’ve been doing everything he wants and trying to make him happy. i’m done. i’m doing what i want to do today.

i’m going to stay home even though it’s a beautiful day and i’m going to clean. then after that, i’m going to have a movie day and eat really bad things and if he bitches about the unhealthy food/snack that i’m eating, i’ll just use the hand that doesn’t have food to give him the finger.

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ok. some time has passed and he’s been cleaning and ironing. i guess i could forgive him ONLY if he understands why i’m soo hurt. i can push another person out of my life or i can try hard to work with him so something like that won’t happen again or at least so he can get some understanding. if he understands and does it again, then he’s OUT.