i still love him.
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007-
S2BX,
i just wanted to apologize for not hugging you when you left. i didn’t know if i should or if i could. so i didn’t. after 10 years, our relationship is kinda in this weird spot. when we have a little more time and when everything is done, i hope that we can have a friendship where we know what is happening in each other’s lives again - work, stresses … etc.
i just wanted to let you know that i love you and though our relationship will constantly be changing, at least the fact that i love you is constant.
have a good week,
m
i met up with S2BX to transfer and take him off the title of my car. it was very business like with a little chit chat on family updates, but other than that, i was looking at someone who seemed familiar but someone that i feel like i didn’t know anymore.
he and i have totally different lives now. he’s doing some of the stuff that i used to want to do - like golf with some work friends. i guess i’m doing stuff now that i used to want to do like… starting a business.
i spoke with my therapist about him because on my way to see her, i almost lost both my contacts as the tears started to come out. i see “us.” i see depression. i see depression weakening me. i see depression and S2BX over powering me. he should’ve supported me and fought it with me.
i feel like we as a couple had our couple problems. like everyone else, but depression was something that was 100 times bigger than a typical couple problem. so we also had that working against us.
i know that looking back, one can get caught up in nostalgia. i do remember that it wasn’t always good. today, looking back, the relationship was at the point where it was sucking the energy and life out of us. i had to make a decision whether to stay and fight or leave. i chose to leave. he had to make the decision to stay and fight or leave. he chose to stay and fight, but without any heart into it.
my depression and his “crutch” helped to break us up.
although i thought of him as the perfect person for me for the longest time, he’s not. my perfect person would have a bright future AND is still able to give me emotional intimacy and support.
