my life with depression.com

[i just deleted what i wrote here … ]

i’m just rambling. i actually wanted to write about the conclusion of my divorce. i even took pictures of the divorce papers and of myself to document how i looked and felt, but i never did write about it. i guess you can say that it didn’t really hit me as much as i thought that it would. even loosing the safety net that he provided didn’t move me. i just felt numb and weird.

going back home this week reminded me a lot of the past. our wedding picture is still up in the family room. a picture of us from one christmas still stands in my room at the parental’s house. i looked at it for the longest time. i didn’t feel anything. it was weird to see me next to him, but i felt nothing.

there was a time some time last week that really took me back to the past. i can’t remember it now, but that memory really hit home how much of my life i spent with him. i spent 1/3 of my life with him. he has shaped me and i him. but it seems that we are so different now. just seeing his professional profile on one of those social networking sites really emphasized the distance that my EX and i have now. it feels that he’s moving full steam ahead — and i am so very happy for him — but i feel as if i am the one who’s had to pick up my life. it’s weird because i used to be in that train with him moving full steam ahead and somewhere, i stepped off of that trained while he stayed.

i asked myself if i’ve had regrets about the divorce. i would have to say no. i still hurt and it still makes me extremely sad to think about it. about the history. about being part of the other’s family. his being sarah and andrew’s uncle. it’s hard. the sentimental side of me is kicking in right now.

maybe it’s because i’m lonely too. not lonely for people. i’ve been so busy lately … working … watching a play … the reunion … my parents … a birthday party this weekend … fly down to LA for another birthday party the following weekend…

i’m lonely for intimacy. i just want to be held. i want to lay down with that person and giggle about stupid things and look into their eyes and see some love back.

a huge part of me wants to be that girl again who was able to give her whole self to someone without worrying about getting hurt or how i will end up getting screwed in the end.

i guess i’m feeling all of this too because i’m scared about whatever future i may have with my FRENCHIE — or may not have. if anything, i would have to move for a boy AGAIN! this time, to another country.

there’s also a part of me right now that just wants to put her hair down and just say “fuck it!” she want’s to experience life and men. she wants to be intoxicated and not feel anything. she wants to say yes… yes … no not you … yes… no … no — without regrets and without having to think about it the next day. she wants to just follow what she feels right then and there. she just wants to feel good, but also feel numb.

i want to fast forward into the future so i don’t have to feel whatever it is i am feeling. i know i can’t and even if i could, my therapist says that it’s good i’m feeling the feelings. we grow as people when we do….

i just want a partner … someone to hold me right now cause i am crying and i want someone with whom i can share my most intimate thoughts with. i want to feel like i’m building something with someone again. for our family. i think i really miss that feeling the most. the US vs. the world.

i am no longer part of an US. just a you and a me. i’m soooo confused. i think i need to be loved tonight really bad — just to help me forget about whatever pain or ache i’m feeling right now.



last photo being “married” ——divorce papers————–first photo being single again