my life with depression.com

i had therapy today. i know this already, but my question is… how do you do it? how do you frame your life around yourself and not around a boy? i guess i’ve been doing that all of my life. i told karen that i’ve gone through all that i have and i’ve grown from the experience, but i still don’t know who me is. i know that i like to help people (sometimes to a fault) or i know that i like learning about new things, but really. who am i?

she brings up the way i see my EX or my FRENCHIE or perhaps other out there. rather than feeling the feelings, i use and think with my head. i’m putting too much thought into it. with my EX, i get this… with my FRENCHIE i get that … with this boy i get something else. i guess that is what framing my life around a boy is. BUT for me, it’s in my nature.

i asked her how i’m suppose to stop this cycle because i just end up thinking about it in those terms. she answered that then all of my relationships will always end up like the one i had with my EX. scary thought. but you know, maybe that’s why i still can’t get a handle on who i am. because i’m still framing my life around … my FRENCHIE maybe without even realizing it. no. i take that back. i am doing it!

i have to explore who i am without a “boyfriend” or “husband” or whatever title you want to give to that other person. actually, i’ve never learned who i am outside of a relationship because i’m in them ALL the time. I’m in the restraints of relationships since i can remember having my first boyfriend. i became who ever they were. they never really bended to do what i liked…. interesting.

to help me better understand what she means, she said: there’s a difference between a museum and an art gallery. in an art museum, one goes there to look at the art. you can look at a painting for a long time, but you move on because there are other paintings to view. you might go into the impressionist room because you tend to like that genre of art, but maybe spend some time in the baroque period because you’re curious about the difference. in an art museum, you pay one fee to see all the art at your time.

in an art gallery, you generally are in it to buy. after all, one cannot purchase art from a museum. so when looking at art in a gallery, you decide if it fits your living room or if the colors will match the colors that you already have at home. does the piece call your name and can you feel the feelings that the art evokes? ultimately, a painting is purchased.

she told me to be IN THE ART MUSEUM. i need to look, and not buy. learn, and not buy. i tend to always want to go to the gallery and buy, then somehow, i end up in the gallery again and i buy again and again and again. i want to break this cycle. i guess it started out that way with my FRENCHIE.

i wonder if with him, i am thinking too much about the future and not just living in the present. i have to top thinking and i just have to feel what my heart is feeling. and if my feelings are there for him, then great. if they are not, then … not great and too bad for me because he’s wonderful. are the feelings that i have for him natural or are they the result of my thinking side?

since i left my old life, i feel like i am trying my hardest not be the person that i used to be. i want my life to be so super extra-unordinary and so different from everyone else’s, but i guess there is a thread that runs through that me in the past to the me right now and to the me in the future. i have to take the qualities that i liked about the me in the past, bring it here in the present and build upon it for the future me.