my life with depression.com

i’m sitting here looking outside and i’m wondering: if i were to go back in time, would i make the same decisions? the answer is …. i don’t know, but probably YES. sometimes, we look back at our mistakes or decisions and wonder … what the hell made me do that?!?

i guess looking back, you can never remember the feelings and thoughts and rationals that you had right before making your decision / mistake — the ones that made you decide on whatever it was you decided anyway.

i guess you just have to accept it and learn from it. we were or are shaped by those moments. the girl who said yes to my EX’s marriage proposal, who put him up on a pedestal, who allowed the relationship to become one of father-daughter, the one who didn’t know herself enough to say what she wanted or at least fight harder for what she wanted is someone totally different from the person that i am now. i’m not that same girl anymore. i’ve grown. i’ve matured and i hope to not make those mistakes that i did in the past.

but by not wanting to make those same mistakes and feeling the hurt and pain that i did ⫅ girls are wired to remember the pain and hurt emotion of a given time - more so than boys — it has to do with how much testosterone they were exposed to as a fetus and how their brains developed and differed from girls⫆ as i was saying …. but by not wanting to make those same mistakes and feeling the hurt and pain that i did, i might be going way to the opposite side. rather than just feeling the good/great things right now, i am spending way too much time thinking! thinking about how i am not going to get hurt again … how i’m going to prevent it … analyzing everything …. not allowing my heart to have any say because i’m going to make any and ALL decisions with my HEAD!

i guess that’s wrong too, but the hurt and the pain was just sooo agonizing that i want to do everything in my power to prevent anything like that from happening again. the only thing that we have control over is ourselves. i will find that balance one day. i hope before i decide on who to try marriage with again — if that’s the route i end up taking.