my life with depression.com

FROM MY WOMAN’S GROUP:

last week, we touched upon making commitments and sticking with it. we were suppose to think of something that we committed to, but are only doing a half ass job at it. it came up because some of the women in my group come and go. if a particular meeting was boring or didn’t help them, then they found it useless to come. that makes it difficult for the other women who stay in the group because we were not able to get a sense of continuity and trust.

i was the first to say that i made a commitment to going to the gym or to the driving range, but found that i kept making excuses up and never went.

the therapist said that that wasn’t exactly what she was talking about. what she meant was something like: i made a commitment to stay in northern california rather than moving back down to southern cal. now that i made that decision, i have to do everything in my power to live here in northern california. since i don’t have my friends up here, i have to make friends here. since i don’t have my support group here, i have to create a new one. i have to join groups that share some of my interests.

i’ve made a commitment and i’m staying in my loft even though i can’t really afford it right now. i pay $2300, but at least it’s 1400 sqft and i’ve got neighbors who i can relate with. we are mostly in our late 20’s and 30’s. i’ve invested in the relationships that i’ve made here and i love my unobstructed view of downtown oakland’s buildings at night with my peak of san francisco and the bay bridge. granted i’m placed right in the middle of an area that’s not as affluent, but i’ve made one acquaintance who walks from the bus stop to her apartment. we chat about her neighbor who is a drug dealer and her relationship with that.

if we just make half-assed commitments, then we will dread the idea of following through, we’ll be kicking ourselves for agreeing, we’ll get bitchy about it …. get anxious etc. plus we won’t enjoy. so time is being wasted. if we really wanted to do something, we normally run with it. i guess what i’m saying is we have to learn how to say no to things that we don’t want to do and we have to give 100% if we commit to what ever it is we commit to even if you don’t want to. don’t forget though that you can always change your mind to. in my case. i can move back down to LA.

i guess, maybe my desire to prove to myself that i can be successful on my own and that i don’t need my EX to be successful is keeping me up here. maybe it’s the fear of becoming complacent and not having the drive to push on. maybe it’s because i’m no longer miss. LA — i’m more northern california now — granted I AM NOT GRANOLA like some of the girls up here. no thanks. i still love my louis vuittons and pradas.

i think that it’s definitely that i don’t want to get into all of the expectations that people will have for me. right now, i just want to be left alone. there are too many commitments to be said no to down there and i don’t feel like it right now.



i’m strong. i’m capable. i’m smart and hilariously funny! i can do this on my own.