my life with depression.com

funny. no matter how much time i seem to spend with people, i am still left with that lonely feeling deep down inside me. i really miss the feeling of being “in a couple” as my FRENCHIE would phrase it.

today, i spent a little over three hours with people that i’ve known for at least 7 years. we had a great time catching up on people. on ourselves. my hearing the joke that i went home with a lamborguini driving 70 year old man and how talking with me all night was supposedly his dream come true! and how i should never do that for under 3million dollars!

then after i took them to the airport, i hung out with my neighbor. he was writing a thing that the circuit court judge with whom he is interning will use to make a decision regarding a patent case involving a billion dollar drug being manufactured by a generic company. well, i didn’t really hang out. i tried to read a book on his couch while he was typing, but found myself waking up two hours later right before he was about to head out. so i got up and left.

i’m back home with my little dog who is falling asleep.

i had the most loneliest feeling of being lonely. afterwards, after thinking about what i just wrote about: how after spending time with people, i don’t understand why i am still feeling lonely, i decided to take my pills. i forgot to take them today and yesterday. i forgot to fill my pill thing.

i hope it’s that.

i just thought about how it’s so easy for one to hurt themselves just following those types of feelings. being human and pack animals, we all need to socialize and not feel lonely.

i just got a call from my friend KEVIE. he put one of his friends ray on the phone. they call him gay ray — they are not sure if he is or not. ray asked when i am ever going to join them for their sushi night in sacramento. i said not in a long time. kevin doesn’t like to hang out with me. but regardless of that or not, i wouldn’t want to. i have this huge feeling that guys are just out there for one thing and i don’t want to deal with it. in that crowd, i’m sure there’s a whole lot of trying to hook up with girls all the time. i don’t like the idea of single-hood.

why can’t i just be married. though married life is hard, i much rather prefer that to being single.

i hate being single AND lonely.