my life with depression.com

so i had therapy today. my therapist and i talked about my decision to only think and not feel my feelings. well, change that to feel and know what i’m feeling AND THEN think.

i guess i’m back to feeling.

when she said that i was talking about my feelings i think was was using adjectives. when i was thinking, i was explaining.

here’s an example: i said that i so desperately want to be in a relationship. waking up to that person. talking daily on boring and not so boring stuff. sharing intimacy that no one else will share. cuddling while watching a movie. i guess i was “thinking”

she asked me why i wanted all of that. it didn’t take me long, but i said it’s because i felt lonely. even though the most recent past three days — maybe even four days were spent with people. i said that after hanging out, i was lonely again. i didn’t have anyone to come home to. LONELY was a feeling.

with that… i talked about how my FRENCHIE makes me feel vs. some other people. do i feel like a woman with him? do i feel like i’m in between being a woman and a girl? do i feel like a daughter with him like i did with my EX-husband? and am i me when i hang out with him or am i me when i hang out with other people? who is ME? i said that i was all of those people. but which of those is more me.

i don’t know. i guess i’m all of them. there are times when i’m a little girl. there are times when i’m a young adult and there are times when i’m a woman. i like being a woman. a sensual woman who is loved and respected right. i want to feel sexy with my partner. i want to feel older. i am older. i want to feel my age, but still be able to keep the fun side of me.

oh one thing that she said was not to be lonely and go into a relationship because of that. i shouldn’t react to a feeling and then make the decision. i should do as much as i can to ignore the loneliness and really see how i feel about the person. i should like the way i feel about a person to be in a relationship with them. not because i’m lonely. if i just jump into a relationship because of loneliness, then when i do start thinking now that the loneliness is gone, it’s too late. i’m in a wrong relationship. i guess that i would have also wasted time.

i guess i have to take control of my lonliness — i don’t have to ignore it. i can feel it, but i can’t make decisions based on them.