my life with depression.com

what he had to say:

I am sad you are not feeling how much I love you
I am sad you have no confidence in me
I am sad you don’t think I am honest
I thought you knew how honesty and confidence are important to me

I thought



I am sad for us

I love you.

what i had to say:

i am sad that i feel this way.
i don’t like feeling like this because i love you.
i’ve never felt like this.
i’ve never had any reason to.
i don’t like being attacked when i feel this way.
i don’t like not having understanding from the person that i love.
i didn’t want to talk about it right now anyway.
i don’t like being told “I thought you knew how honesty and confidence are important to me” because i know it.
i don’t like not feeling secure when it comes to this.
i HATE it when someone tells me my feelings are not validated and not right. my feelings are my feelings and i am feeling this way.

at least you feel secure.

i am sad for me.

and i am sad for us.

good night.

i haven’t been feeling good after i finally opened up a facebook account. i mean, it was exciting because i kept wanting “more friends” so i can have things to look at. i stayed on there a whole day! i got sad when i saw HER profile in my FRENCHIE’s profile. i never used to have a problem with HER. i was very nice everytime we saw HER, i even gave HER a ride home after first meeting HER. i was always smiley and respected that they were friends. i also asked for her contact info to give her business when i needed a website. she eventually flaked on me. oh well. i asked this even after the event in the following paragraph happened. can’t say i didn’t try. can’t say i don’t try.

two summers ago, a year after my FRENCHIE and i met, he was here in the summer time for a week with his friend and there was a day when i needed to go look at a new place to live. anyways, my feelings were hurt because he chose to go see her rather than join me, in something that was important to me and something that you would think a significant other would want to join you in — especially when you don’t get to share a lot of things like that BECAUSE he lives 9 hours ahead in paris! rather than wanting to create the intimacy with you, he chooses to go see some bitch. some bitch who probably has a crush on him? i don’t know but i know for sure that a girl will not always pay for a guy’s meal unless there’s something she’s getting out of it. when he finally unwillingly went with me, still not understanding the importance of doing the “chore” with me, she decides that she can’t meet up anymore in the afternoon. and then another excuse and then another.

after my FRENCHIE heads back to paris, she’s all of a sudden a no show on the internet. for a while and he and i both didn’t know why. COME ON! is he naive or just inexperienced? i don’t know, but it’s way too obvious and i don’t like it when i come second to another girl.

there’s been other times when something like this happened. what girl likes to hear that his FRIEND is beautiful when she gets “cute” all the time. that’s suppose to make me feel sexy and wanted? fuck that. i kept biting my lip when i had to hear it from him and his male friend who visited with him this last summer.

but to top that off … he planned a dinner with her, himself and a common friend and was excited that the three of them were going to be hanging out. he said the three of them. when i brought this to his attention, he obviously said i was included in his count of THREE. let’s see … HER (#1), him (#2) and the common friend (#3) … i don’t see where i (#4) fit in when he said the THREE of them.

i told him about how i felt about seeing HER profile in his list of friends — that didn’t bother me. it’s just i was not there. when and if i join something, i always invite him. i didn’t get that courtesy from him. THEN to top it off, there’s this vampire thing on there and saw she was his little vampiress. ooooooooh how FUCK’N cute …. oh no … i forgot SHE’s beautiful and i’m just CUTE old me.

to top it off. i share my feelings and rather than validating how i feel, he tells me i’m wrong. if i’m feeling it, i’m feeling it. i got the i do this for you and i didn’t bring her up while i was there because i didn’t want you getting mad at me … blah blah blah … how about not doing shit like the above. how about being sensitive to my feelings. how about not being so god damn logical and just make me feel secure.

he made me put down that i am in a relationship on my facebook page. after he saw a picture that my neighbor THOMAS put in his profile. a picture from when THOMAS and i went to a fair. i took a picture of us during a break inbetween acts and we were sharing my ipod earpiece to listen to music. oh, but prior to that … i don’t recall HIS facebook page having “in a relationship” on there. hmmmmm.

i was feeling better earlier that i was able to talk to him about how i was feeling, but now i don’t feel good again. what’s up with these logical types who never validate your feelings. i hate that and i guess i found it again.

i feel so done with the relationship right now. i haven’t been feeling the intimacy really. we haven’t been exchanging deeper stuff with each other. i don’t feel special. i leave a relationship where i’m lonely just to be in another that’s lonely, but this time, you really want to be with THAT person. i guess this currently relationship is more lonely for me.

he doesn’t like pets. i know he tried for my dog when he stayed here, but he had no choice. he was living with me during the summer. if we had kids, they probably wouldn’t be able to have a dog. i don’t want that.

anyways, i’m really really really sad right now and i haven’t cried in the longest time. nor have i felt such a deep sorrow for the longest time. i’m not even PMSing. it’s been 2.5 years since we’ve been apart too.



are we just having problems with our french to english or english to french translation?

are my feelings changing for him? is he able to give me what i want and need right now or in the near future?

he can’t give me any security if i move to france for the two of us… why would i want to move or why would he allow me to do that to myself? not when he knows what happened to my and my move up to the bay area with my EX-hubby.

time to turn my mind off and just veg in front of the TV.