my life with depression.com

how am i feeling this morning? tired. yesterday, i had a 4 hour nap. from 4pm to 8pm. then went to sleep again from 12-ish to 10am this morning.

how do i feel about FRENCHIE? i still love him and i’ve been trying to understand him. it’s hard when he’s never really worked with you in the past. he always called how i tried to do it “scientology.” some stupid shit like that. i tried to learn what his tendencies were through the many personality things so that i had a base for understanding how he worked, but he never worked with me. we finally had some sort of understanding of late, but now, do i care? i don’t know. i’ve tried to guess for so long and i’ve tried to understand for so long that i’m just tired. it’s hard not being close to someone due to distance and it’s even harder trying to know what’s in their head. he at least had this blog to help him understand who i am and what i’m about and what i’m feeling and what i’m going through.

now that i’m getting farther and farther away from my ex-marriage and my -EX and this relationship is not looking like a rebound relationship anymore, maybe it’s time for me to evaluate how he really makes me feel? do i feel like a woman with him? do i feel safe with him? does this long distance thing still fit into what i want or need? can i be myself with him? do i have to compromise so much of myself to be with him? if the idea of EVER moving for a boy absolutely makes me ill and he’s not able to give me any reassurance for moving my whole life since he can’t, then why be in this relationship? has this relationship grown with my ever increasing needs?

for me, it was about having someone who loves me somewhere in the world while i make independent decisions here. but it’s never been like that in this relationship anyway. building whatever life i have now always came with the question of … but can i make this into a career that i can transfer to france? will this allow me the freedom to be with my FRENCHIE in france? if the answer was no, then it wasn’t something that i could do.

do i feel like everything has been according to who and what FRENCHIE is? maybe. is it time to focus on a little bit of me? yeah definitely.

i think this facebook incident has been a good event. having my feelings really hurt again by the only thing that has really hurt me in this relationship is allowing me to think about whether this relationship is giving me what i really need.


something that popped into my head too… we’re 9 years apart. i kept reading why these spring-fall relationships work and the premise is always because the older woman has her career going and is making money and is stable and secure. someone has to take on that roll. well, i guess i left my career and i’m not making any money and any stability i have is from my savings that will only allow me to live like this for another 4 years. just great. maybe i need to find stability and security. i don’t know. is it time for me to start over again?

all i’m sure about is that it’s 11 and i’ve not had my coffee and i don’t want to see anyone this christmas and i still hurt and FRENCHIE is breaking my heart because he is not able to get beyond his fuckin’ logic and just take care of me and give me what i need.