my life with depression.com

i still don’t feel good from last night. i spoke with FRENCHIE again after i posted. we emailed back and forth. he says he understands my feelings, but i don’t know. i feel that he still thinks i have no reason to feel the way i do. i think regardless of whether i do or not, this is how i feel and i think for us to get beyond this, i need for him to accept that this is how i feel. regardless of how wrong he thinks i am or how much logic i have to apply to my feelings.

maybe out of sight out of mind. is what i need.

i don’t even know if he’s heard me.

i am so upset that i just want to throw something super heavy out of my window! something heavy enough to tire me out so that i can just fall sleep and not be sad anymore. damn these fuck’n tears. my eyes hurt this morning from crying all night last night. i guess it’ll be the same tomorrow.

i think these are the days when i want someone to just hold me as i’m crying and tell me “there … there … everything will be alright.” i want to feel so badly that i’m safe and taken care of .

i know holidays are suppose to be hard, but i don’t remember them being this hard. i can’t take it anymore.

i’m so tired of trying and i’m so tired of pretending that i’m not scared and that everything is going to be all right. i need somebody to take me away from these horrid feelings that i’m having and i want to feel safe and loved and cherished …. i just want to chuck this mac across the room, but it cost so much money that i can’t.

my dog gets stuck and i have to help her up now - even on carpet. i thought FRENCHIE understood me and how i worked, but from last night, it doesn’t seem as clear to me anymore.

i wish i had something that can get me stoned. something so i don’t have to think and cry and be down and sad and be lonely and confused. i wish i can call someone to come over and hold me.

maybe it’s time for me to hibernate again like i did last year. not talk to anyone. not go out. just be by myself. at least i’m not getting the urge to go out and do something crazy.

maybe i’ll spend christmas by myself…. maybe rent a mountain log cabin for a week or so or next to the ocean. or go to asia…. i’m starting to feel good. i think i will look to see where i want to go. see what’s available.

i don’t think i’m going to therapy or my french lessons this week. maybe i can spend christmas in a hawaiian beach somewhere.