my life with depression.com

so my FRENCHIE and i spoke yesterday and i think things are fine between us. after he acknowledged my feelings yesterday, i miraculously felt happy again.

i was reading about other people’s comments on my personality type: ENFP. they say that we’re smothering - in regards to love. we are emotionally needy. i guess what that means is that we want to feel love all around us. we want to not only SEE it but to also feel it and HEAR it. it could be from the fact that we always want to know where the relationship is going and we feel the responsibility to fix it if it’s not going the right way, but it comes off as being emotionally needy. i guess to thinking types. thinking types are afraid of their emotions because they fear something that they don’t feel like they can control. i had this issue with my EX-hubby. he had such an emotional wall and the only time that i really saw him emotional - like with real emotions from the heart - was when i was telling him i needed a divorce. we both broke down that day. but i think it would have been healthier for our relationship had he let some of his emotions out through our relationship. he was never really emotionally available for me.

i fear that emotional wall in the thinking types. especially since i need to have that emotional connection with my significant other. they also say that my type puts in a lot of “extras” in relationships. [i think it’s because we live in the future and we know a better future is a good today.] a lot of little things that people will not see because a lot start as small little internal decisions. when it’s not recognized and not returned, then we feel super hurt. i can attest to that. i guess my personality type does it to ourselves. that’s what we get for giving things to our partners when our partners #1 don’t recognize it #2 don’t appreciate it #3 don’t reciprocate #4 don’t ask for it.

so then is the answer that the best fit for me would be a expressive feeler who sees detail and can sense differences in mood and see the effort put in by me? i guess i’ll start with an introvert. i definitely prefer non-extreme-introverts because i think i have a shy side to me. maybe an sensor - the way they take information in - through facts that stuff and not by patterns and connections and someone more in touch with their feelings, but outwardly. so what’s that: ISFx or ISTx?

i guess i have to stop thinking in categories & boxes as people don’t fit into just one. it’s just hard. i don’t want to end up being lonely and miserable in a marriage and i don’t want to make the same mistakes that i made.

i guess i have to feel my emotions then so i don’t repeat my decisions. i guess for me to do that i would have to keep asking myself how does “that” make me feel. why did i do “that.” until i get to an emotion. i did this with my therapist and after asking me but why i did such and such and stop thinking, we finally got to the raw feeling. because i was lonely. because i crave intimacy now that my relationship is moving farther ahead with my FRENCHIE.

i know i can’t change my FRENCHIE into someone who is more sensitive to me emotionally. i know that i can’t make him anymore emotionally available for me than what he is. if any changes happen, it’s gotta come from him through maturity. i think overall, he is balanced. it’s just the thinking vs. emotional stuff he’s not. as for me, i’m trying to find my balance. i think i’m doing so much better with the whole extreme extrovert side of me. though i struggle everyday to be “more responsible” and not be flakey, i do see my improvements. all my bills are paid monthly and all on time. i do random cleaning here and there even though i’m the biggest mess EVER! i’m starting to feed myself — i’m not very good at taking care of myself yet, but i’m great at taking care of other’s needs!

regarding my acting on impulse or on emotion, i think i’m doing better at taking a step back and not committing to something right away. i’m better at not feeling a feeling and just act on it. i know that i still have be mad about something else and talk about it for an hour until i finally know what i’m really mad about. that’s really hard for me. it’s hard to bringing my feelings out. now that i realize this about myself, i now know that i deserve to have my feelings known and expressed. i guess deep down inside, there is this fear that i will look emotionally needy to my significant other (SO).

i think i understand why i’m quieted down — especially when crying — by getting a hug. because it’s a sign of love and it confirms that i am still loved — because i think that my ultimate fear is not to be loved. i guess that what i really need is to be told how valid my feelings are and not for someone to act condescending to try to make me feel dumber — because i’m not.

maybe i should just have an IM relationship with my FRENCHIE. i noticed that when i have emotional stuff that i need to express but he needs to study, what we do is i type my long ass IM and he reads it when he has to eat or when he’s taking a break from studying. i think that has made me feel better because it’s kinda like he’s just listening and not making any judgments on my feelings. it gives me the impression that he just accepts that whatever i type are my feelings and that’s that.

i never realized how complicated i am inside — emotionally that is. i think i come off as being so easy to please — even with the emotional part. all i ask is that my feelings are validated and not judged and all i ask for is that i see, hear and feel love. i guess the difficult part is what type of love do i want to see, hear and feel. the type that “takes care of me and keeps me on track and makes sure i make doctor’s appointments and i take my medicine and i shower and brush my teeth” or is it the “i love you” kind and the affection that comes with it and the words? i guess i want both. AND although i want both, i want the “i love you” type of love out in front and in my face while the “taking care of you because i love you” type of love in the background.