my life with depression.com

Have you ever felt like a part of you is being ripped away? I do. I found my soul mate  and we can’t be together.

I’ve had to make the hard decision of moving forward with my life without him. If you’ve been reading my blog, it’s my FRENCHIE. In every way you analyse it, we fit like a hand and glove. We enjoyed the same things. We enjoyed the same cultural things. Movies. Strong emotion for one another. Mentally we fit. Our life goals paralleled. Our temperament … our values on money, family and friends.  I made him extremely happy and he made me extremely happy. I felt alive with him.

We had a really bad break up. How can something so perfect and precious end up this way? On my part, two things. I am too protective and am afraid of hurting people so this doesn’t allow me to set my boundaries. Boundaries that I need to set of the sake of me and the other person. So everything is clear.

On his part, it’s selfishness and taking people for granted.  His selfishness in setting the time table of the relationship and talking me and my needs for granted.

I’ve gone through break ups before. I’ve gone through many of them, but this one feels different. Perhaps it’s because this relationship felt different. I felt so connected to my FRENCHIE emotionally and cosmically. I used to think that we were the same being and that we got severed through our bellybuttons. He’s an inny and I’m an outty. When we were together, it just felt right.

Unfortunately, circumstances tested us and we failed. The distance that we faced over two continents was difficult. The social and language barrier - though we tried hard to bridge them - was too great and having differing needs due to the difference in age was too great for us to over come.

Given all of that, how can you hold on to your soul mate? To the one person who can ever truly live in your heart? The one person you can never stay mad at for every long? The one person you truly understand and who truly understands you?

I am so sad right now. I hurt so much. Will I never love a person the way I love my FRENCHIE?

Even through our difficult breakup, I still love him and I still miss him and I still long for him.

The only way that we can ever be together is if I moved to France. The only way I can ever move to France is if he and I marry. I don’t think that either one of us is in the position to do that.

I tried my best. I traveled to France 5 times in two years. I learned the language. I learned the culture. I stayed in San Francisco because my FRENCHIE would be in SF in the summers. I offered to rent an apartment in Paris to live there for 6 months so that we can “date” and get to know each other without “being on vacation.” I would’ve continued my study of the French language while he studied for his Med School exam. I waited and I waited and I waited. I tried to learn and understand his personality more through personality profiles given that we didn’t have many chances to interact face to face. Even when my moving there was going to be postponed by another year due to his repeating his last year of study. I waited. I put my energy into having a business that can be ran long distance. All of this took money. A lot of money. Money that I need now - if I include the cost of half of my rent into the total cost of this relationship, I spent $40k with the maintenance of it. He didn’t want me to move back to LA because he would do his summers in SF. That translates into higher rental, gas and food costs. My expenses in traveling to France and taking language classes in Paris, SF and Berkeley and our combined expenses such as our Hawaii trip, eating out, going to the movies etc were usually paid for by me.

Maybe that’s why I couldn’t do it anymore. I was building my side of the bridge to the future and he was not. I was investing so much of myself, my time and money that although he and I can see the present and the distant future, perhaps it’s his lack of giving me a solid bridge between the present and the distant future that made it impossible for me to continue on.



Then after that, my difficulties in creating boundaries and my nature of overly nurturing and caring got in the way and couple that with his selfishness and the pushiness that became even stronger due to hurt (I’ve referred to it HERE before) made both of us hurt even more. The situation escalated even more.

I guess we are both to blame for how the end of the relationship turned. We were both hurting and now we are still hurting.