my life with depression.com

it’s 10:39 am.

How am I feeling? I guess calm. I’m looking out my windows, I see the sun I see the hills and I don’t see fog coming into San Francisco. I watched Batman - the Dark Knight in IMAX last night. One would  think that it’s more empty now … NOPE! As I’ve seen it before, I was able to blank away into my head and my thoughts.

The one awesome thing that I really noticed is that I was actually spending time in my head! I was processing the last events of this week. Then I processed (logically?) the events that lead to them. Doing something like this is hard or unnatural for me. I don’t find that I do it often, and was taken aback during the film.

I don’t think — no. I know doing that is not natural for ENFPs. In fact, I’ve found that for me to understand my feelings, I have to talk about … I guess the situation … and then I am able to see the connections somehow. Sometimes, I feel like I’m “pulling shit out my ass,” but it’s actually all true. I come to my realizations by talking. I am able to make my thoughts and feelings more tangible when I’m actually talking to the offending person! weird.

I spent Saturday with my friend Peter. I guess you can call Peter a “safe friend” as he is in his … mid to late 60’s. We met each other from French classes in SF. I have a picture somewhere… let me go look:

hmmm. That’s kinda small. Wordpress editor changed and I can’t post pictures the way I used to. This picture looks so small.

Oh! Why have I not been posting? Because I’ve been trying to protect my FRENCHIE from the feelings that I’ve been experiencing and from the experiences that I’ve experienced and lived. I wanted him to be able to focus on his studies. I wish that we WERE able to talk about how I was feeling. But ultimately, his succeeding and being able to become an oncologist was number one for me. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN number one for ME. He doesn’t even appreciate the pain and anguish that I went through. It even seems that he told his friends that my depression is making me “act” crazy when it’s him and his continued disrespect and un gratefulness in the past week that ultimately made me kick him out.

I know, long story and I’m going to watch CNN now and enjoy my coffee.

A reader named Amy contacted me yesterday. I got an email. Amy: thank you for your kind words and I will email you back.

I forgot … I’ve been thinking … now that my FRENCHIE and I are no longer together, there really is no reason for me to stay in SF. I’ve been so lonely here. No support group. No REAL friends and the REAL friends that I have just gave birth and the other moved to Sacramento. I ask why do I make it so hard for me? I should just move back to LA.