my life with depression.com

so today FRENCHIE leaves for france. i decided that i am not going to call him “my FRENCHIE” anymore. he IMed me yesterday basically calling me a golddigger. i told him that now, we both have what we want. i have my security and he doesn’t have to take a huge risk with me.

he basically called me a gold digger and that RAZ (the guy i’m going to try to move forward with) is giving me all the security that i will need. that i won’t have to think about going back to pharmaceutical sales (which i never would think about doing anyway) because in a way, i will be taken care of ($$$$).

he still doesn’t get it. he still doesn’t understand what i needed from him to make me secure about moving to france. at this point, it is good that things worked out the way they did. he doesn’t understand that i needed him to tell me that he would not kick me out if we broke up or that he would help me get an apartment in france or help me pay for it if i couldn’t support myself there and make sure that i don’t die so maybe help me with groceries or something or give me half his salary for a certain amount of time. AND i wanted that in writing.

i guess for him, he just sees it as my wanting money. i see it as, i’m taking a hug risk to move to france. i’m leaving EVERYTHING that i know to move to a country whose language i barely speak, whose  laws i don’t understand, whose cities i’ve never heard of, who probably doesn’t have a filipino market to i can at least make some filipino food. i see it as, if he and i break up before we get married, i want him to have responsibilities for me so that i can rebuild. without being married, he WILL NOT have any responsibilities at all. he says that he would be responsible, but c’mon. those are just words.

he sees my having security by staying in the states as having another person in my life and that person giving me financial security. my staying in the states gives me security regardless of whether there is a boy in my life or not. if i’m dating a boy and things don’t work out, then my life will still move forward without big question marks. that’s security. i don’t have to worry about rebuilding my whole life. wondering if i should move back to the USA … THAT’S SECURITY. boy after boy after boy, i will be secure that my family is just a one hour flight away, my friends are also, there’s familiarity and the english language and everything is united states of america and the president is mine.

if i were to break up with FRENCHIE while in france, i wouldn’t have any of that security. i would not have my savings anymore as i would spend it faster in europe because the euro is stronger, i would not have been able to grow my business and visit retailers after retailers to sell my products there. i would be in france tyring to rebuild, having no one, lonely and alone.

he said that that’s being negative. shit! i have to think about the small chance that it could happen. because if i don’t and if it does happen, then what? i’m shit out of luck in france with no money and alone because i took ALL THE FUCKIN RISK in this relationship because FRENCHIE wanted to play it safe. why? because he is young and not responsible enough to give himself.

i don’t think that i will post about him after this. the last image of him that i will have is his cockiness in thinking that it’s all about him. i don’t want to hurt anymore. i’ve been hurting for over a year while being pushed aside and having my needs neglected. having that image of him will help me remember that the relationship for the most part was his timing, when he’s ready to talk, when he’s ready for me to take a 6month trial move to france, when he’s ready to marry me … ect.

it’s time for me to get what i want. security of home. someone who will try to understand me. someone who can go with me to the opera, symphony, street fairs and share a bbq stick, wake up with me and give me a kiss in the morning, come home to my cooking, hold me when i’m crying. someone who can share my daily life with, go to the movies with. someone who can be mentally and  physically intimate with. and someone who accepts me for me — in all the good and bad.

yeah, he’s right, i should have just broken it off with him 8 months ago before going on match.com. i shouldn’t have thought about his having to focus on the test that determines what he will do the rest of his life. about all the deaths that he’s had to deal with in 1.5 years and how loosing me too would probably mess up his focus and about how those deaths caused him to have to repeat his last year of medical school so he can retake his test. i shouldn’t have worried about this being his last chance to score high so that he can be  an oncologist and go to a good training hospital. i just should have stuck with: is he giving me what i need? No? then fuck him. He’s gotta go. i guess he and i will have our own truth as to what happen and someone in between those two is the real truth.

I should have broken it up with him a year ago at the end of summer.

time for me to continue building my life. thank god i’m not moving to france. then i’d have to rebuild again!

i come first now.