my life with depression.com

ok. i’m writing as fast as i can because i just had a “break through” and i think it’s deep. does it answer any questions? NOPE. of course not. just like my philosphizing session with my roommate last monday night. we spoke on love and relationships for two hours and at the end, we concluded that we still did not have answers.

so my therapist says that i reason things out in my head too much and that i have to listen to my gut. JOKE: i knew i had a tummy, but i didn’t realize that i had a GUT too! i guess i have to do sit ups now……

so here is what ding ding dinged in my head: when i was proposed to with my EX, i rationalized that he was great on paper. he was motivated. smart. would be a good provider. etc. but deep down inside, i thought to myself, oh my god. i am going to have to live like this with him for the rest of my life. then after that, i got engulfed in planning my wedding. and let me tell you, it was an awesome event. so there. i rationalized and didn’t listen to my gut. (which back then was a six pack and was sweet!)

with my frenchie, all i did was listen to my gut. that we got along well. how i loved being with him. how i loved the kisses he would shower me with. how i loved feeling our connection. how we wanted to live the same life. how i saw that he would be the kind of father that i would want…. problem with that is that i didn’t rationalize it. he and i never had a relationship where we were living in one location before the long distance. he was still in med school. in fact, back then two more years of med school + one year for his masters+ 5 years of residency + 2plus years for his PhD — all in FRANCE! (what can i say, i love degrees)

i guess, now i have to balance that gut feeling with the rational side of me. the hard thing is that i tend to have a harder time with the gut feeling thing. i only see it after the fact. i don’t recognize it.