my life with depression.com

OK. I think that I’ve had another epiphany and it’s something that my therapist has been telling me and my woman’s support group all this time. It’s about having self awareness and then making a commitment where you are giving 100% to it.

These two things span everyone’s life. I’m having talking sessions with two of the concierge who work in the lobby of my building and my roommate — even the women in my woman’s group. We are all different in age, experience, socio-economic level, extro/introvertism, feeler/thinker… etc.

The thing we have in common is that though some of us have self awareness and others of us don’t have as much, we all struggle with the 100% commitment part and listening to what we become aware about.

One woman was on a “break” from her boyfriend of 2.5 years. She got back together with him. She’s in love with another person. I asked her why she got back together with her ex. She said that she loved him, but 50% of her didn’t want to get back with him while 50% did - that they’ve been together for a long time. With those types of feelings, how can she give 100% of herself to her boyfriend?

With me, given that I’m an ENFP, I say YES so easily to everything. I don’t know if it’s my wanting to please side or my curiosity side  or getting into things before I think about them side. I recall many times when my mouth would be in the middle of saying YES and my mind slowly trying to process how I feel about what I’m saying yes to. I’ve made a commitment before I’ve figured out how I feel about it or if I’m able to do it. Then when It comes time to action, my heart is not 100% into it because I later don’t want to do it. It’s like that when one makes a half-ass commitment.

Because of this or situation like these, I’m not happy and I become resentful. My life is not happy because how I feel inside does not reflect what I’m doing outside. My career counselor hit it on the head when she asked me if I felt that I was not living congruently - inside and out. YES!!! THAT’S IT! She verbalized it for me! It felt so good to have words to express what I was feeling. I want congruency.

But even though I learned that almost two years ago, it did not connect until now.

Over the last two years, my therapist keeps telling me to feel my feelings. How the F*ck do you feel your feelings?  I can tell you that you can’t when you have two people in your life and you have to divide your emotions.

I’ve been googling how one can identify one’s feelings. I did it recently regarding a job offer! I was offered a job that I wanted as part-time. The guy was excited about me. Right then and there, he offered the job (we never really talked about it being part-time) and I said YES! I later emailed him saying that I felt like it went by so fast and that I would like the weekend to think about it more. I had a feeling of not being excited about it and I couldn’t understand why, but it didn’t feel right. I had a sense of dread i guess. When I told him NO, I felt such a strong release. My therapist said that I felt my feelings, rationalized them and took actions to make my inside and outside congruent. OK. Maybe she didn’t say it that way and maybe I am the one who put it in those terms, but same difference.

It’s like the photo below. If you are really a lion inside, but you are forcing yourself to act a different way outside (like acting like a kitten) then you are not living congruently. GOSH! this can apply to so many things!



I’m gonna “to be continued” this …