my life with depression.com

I’ve finally been able to tell FRENCHIE what it is I want and I did it firmly. I’ve done it before, but not as strongly and with his personality, I really need to be firm - like super firm.

I told him that what he’s offering me is something that I am not asking for anymore. I needed them last year. Not now. I told him that my need now is to put 100% of my self into this guy we’ll call RAZ. I can’t figure out if RAZ is someone that I can envision my life with or someone who I love if I’m splitting my time and heart with FRENCHIE. I have to be able to qualify RAZ right now because I don’t want to spend anymore time with him if I don’t feel like I can love him for who he is.

How do I feel? I’m numb. I’ve not felt anything in a long time. I am proud of the fact that I was able to really tell FRENCHIE what my need was. I hope that in time, that resolution will help him emotionally.He’s in so much pain. I’m glad that I am not jumping to him and going against what I think is best for me and maybe even for us in the long run. I want to make the decision myself to let RAZ out of my life if that is what I want. I don’t want any one else to tell me what to do. I wouldn’t want to move to France and “start a life” with FRENCHIE with regrets or thoughts of RAZ.

I guess I’m scared. I don’t want to make the wrong decision. I guess nothing is ever 100%.

I told FRENCHIE that I know I am taking a risk when I put 100% of myself to the relationship with RAZ. I risk that he stops loving me or even wanting me. What happens if in two months, I find that RAZ is not someone who is right for me. At that point in time, I will be able to put 100% of myself elsewhere. Will FRENCHIE still want to give it a try? Probably not, but I don’t want to move to France if I’ve not made up my mind about RAZ. If FRENCHIE is not there anymore, then that’s the risk that I took and I will have to live with the consequences.

I don’t know…