my life with depression.com

GOD! I wish that I can be mad at FRENCHIE. I went to the airport just in case he wasn’t bullsh*tting me and low and behold. He wasn’t bullsh*itting me. Just as he said, he came out of the international terminal to my big fat surprise. When I saw him, I felt both happiness and incredulousness. I couldn’t believe that he was crazy enough to go from South Africa to London with a 5+ hour layover and then to San Francisco. Usually, when I see him, I want to jump up and hug him, but this time around, I didn’t. I felt kinda guarded. Maybe it’s because I was seeing him not as his girlfriend anymore. Maybe it’s because he just didn’t go back straight to France and insisted on coming to the states against what I said.

I went on my trip to New Mexico. I text messaged him as soon as I landed. He called me and said that he hated me. It was his birthday and he wanted to spend it with me. I feel like I gave him full warning that I was not going to be in town and that I was going to New Mexico for vacation while RAZ attended his meetings. Hearing his “I hate you” in my mind makes me want to cry but I can since I am sitting here in the lobby of the Hyatt with all these people. I don’t know how I’m gonna stop the tears from falling because I can feel them swelling up in my eyes right now. I’m kinda stuck here because I have to plug in my computer. I can go to the pool where I’ve been everyday for hours, but again, no plug.

But thinking about his “I hate you” makes me feel sad because I know that it’s definately the end and I will not ever see him or hear from him again. I can hear it in his voice. I thought about it all weekend and about our conversation when he was at my apartment after arrival. He said that 10 months of lost connection is nothing when you look at a whole life time. OH GOD THE TEARS want to come out. That what we had envision is still possible. It makes me want to just jump into his arms and say OK. OH GOSH THE TEARS AND THE NOSE IS STARTING TO GET RUNNY. Seeing his face and his smile and his beautiful eyes and his 5 o’clock shadow and the sweater that I bought for him (i think) that I really love on him made me forget everything. I can’t understand why I cannot get mad at FRENCHIE. Why do I have to understand his motive? Oh god I better go up the the room. I felt like I was being manipulated and pushed. I’d told him what I wanted: I wanted to put 100% of myself here. But he comes around saying that he has to show me that he’s real and that our future is possible etc.

I think there must have been some mis-communication  that evening because thinking back, I think he thought that I wasn’t going to go on my trip whereas when we parted, I thought that I was going to make up my mind after I talked with RAZ. Or somthing like that. I got drunk off of the yummy strawberry infused vodka that I had.

Regardless, no more FRENCHIE. Which makes me wonder why I still got excited when I purchased his birthday present and thought that he would absalutely look so cute with the cool messenger bag rather than his backpack. Why did I keep thinking about our future this weekend. Or about him? The loss of that future feels more tangible now that I’ve interviewed for a job and now that I’m job hunting …. to be continued because I have to pack up my luggage.