my life with depression.com

This is the email that I’ve written to a so called friend. I’ve always known that she’s a bitch and her reputation is that of being selfish, but after stabbing me in the back twice. I no longer want her in my life.

L,

i apologize if it seemed that i was telling you who you can and cannot see back in auguast. you shared that you felt that pressure from me. i’m sure you didn’t appreciate the feeling. i have no right in telling you who you can or cannot see. you are right.

on my side. i told you that the break up just happened and that i did not feel comfortable with your having contact with FRENCHIE so close to it.

i believe that your seeing him that evening or even the talks of rescheduling for lunch the next day was morally wrong as my feelings and our friendship was not taken into consideration. i felt stabbed in the back and was and still am really hurt by your insensitivity.

i guess what i’m trying to say is that i don’t want to have a friendship with someone where i will always have to watch my back.

M

I guess the feelings I have about this resonate through to my guardedness with FRENCHIE. She was my friend and he still thinks that he had every right to go to dinner with her. Well, fuck them both. I guess I am starting to feel the hate for FRENCHIE. I guess I’m tired of his pushiness — regardless of whether I understand him or not. I’m tired of doing things on his time line — when he’s ready — regardless of where I am. Of hurting me and not showing remorse for the loss of my friend. A friend whom I’ve known for almost as long as FRENCHIE has been alive. Actually, I met her when FRENCHIE was only four years old. He’s twenty five now.

God I hate him and I hope he hates me back. I NEVER want to see him again. Nor do I want contact with him again. I wanted to be with him sooooooooooo badly. I love him soooooooooo much that it hurts inside right now. I’ve never felt what I felt for anyone, but everything is all messed up now. All messed up. GOD I HATE HIM. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I hate you for NOT validating my fears of moving. I hate you for taking me for granted. I hate you for not appreciating all that I’ve done so that we can see each other, talk to each other daily —- all on your school, work and studying schedule. I hate you for wanting me to move without being responsible for me. I hate you for not taking me serious when I showed fears. I hate you for expecting me to come back running to you just because you are ready to offer me the stability and security that I wanted. I hate you for not respecting what I told you my decision was. I hate you for being still “facebook” friends with my FORMER- friend. You gave no gesture of ever evening asking what I want you to do with it. Even after I hinted that you should delete her. I hate you for being selfish and making me feel pressured to see you when you came to SF for your birthday against my wishes. I hate you for hating me. I hate you for being so god damn far away that I became SOOO LONELY. I hate you for listening to your stupid friends and telling me that It’s not a good idea to move to france for 6 months so we can live the day to day. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU STEPH. I know you are hurting too from everything, but i don’t want to think about that because i’ve been hurting for over a year. I hate you because I can’t get you out of my mind and what our future was suppose to be like. I hate you because I love your eyes and lips. I hate you because I still want to be with you. I hate you because I’m scared of being with you after everything. I hate you because it’s been all about you. you . you. I hate you because I have to hate you to move on. I hate you because you left me alone when I was so lonely and you listened to your stupid friends. ….. i was so lonely and all i wanted was to be with you.

You are no longer welcome on my blog. I no longer want to share my feelings with you. You had access to my thoughts and fears on here and through me and yet, you did NOTHING to calm my fears last year of moving. You did nothing but push me away until you were ready to talk. Is that love? If that’s your type of love, then it’s not the type that I want. I hate me for still having you in my heart.

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I still see you all around me. I find metro tickets in my jacket pockets. In my books. Walking outside when it’s chilly reminds me of walking in paris with you. Seeing you in my favorite sweater looking so handsome makes me sad. Hearing you wanting me to call you S-phy even though you don’t like that name. god i want to hate you so bad.