my life with depression.com

I had therapy and my woman’s group today. Susan the woman who has a husband who isn’t emotionally available finally became emotionally available when she said that she wanted to move out and have a trial separation. He cried. Said that he didn’t want it for fear that it will just lead to their divorce. He’s sorry for putting her down. He’s sorry that she was in pain and hurt all those years. He wants to try. He loves her and doesn’t want to live without her. He bought her flowers and chocolate the other day. He seems like he’s trying.

We in my woman’s support group gathered that she’s already checked out of the relationship and that she’s ready to divorce. I think she just has to take the step and I think she’s okay with it.

Though he’s “trying”, it seems that it’s too late. She is bummed that it took her having to want to leave for him to finally wake up and understand. By this point, it seems that “it’s a little too late.” Like the pain and hurt just kept chipping away at her until her love for him changed. Like he was giving her the emotional part that she wanted but it seems that she was no longer asking for it.

I kinda felt like what happened with FRENCHIE paralleled her story. I felt like when he was finally offering me security and stability and marriage, it was too late. Maybe those times of trying to accept that I could not move to France the way things were wore away at my feelings for him. Maybe how things exploded this summer wore away more feelings.

MAN! I’m so mad though. I thought that I was starting to not like him and that I was starting to be angry or be mad at him, but it’s faded. There. I feel like crying again. There. I’m crying again.

I’m still so angry at him for pulling my friend close to me. I’ve always kept her at a distance because our friendship worked out best that way. But he pulled her close to us and she hurt me just like she always does when she is close to me and I lost her. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for that. I don’t think he understands. I hate him for that. I don’t think he understands exactly how much his betrayal has affected me.

I guess I go back and forth on how I feel about him. I just want to rebuild my life. This time though,  a boy should NOT be the center of it. I don’t want to focus on my boy-relationships anymore. My therapist says that I do that too much and that I should have and should be focusing on me, myself and I. I should be focusing on either growing my business and/or finding a job and/or taking more french classes and/or growing my hobbies like painting and that I should not revolve my life around a boy anymore.

Easier said that done.  Things are suppose to fall in place. Boys. Children. Everything - once I focus on my own “career” and life.

I should have lived my life just like he was living his. That’s why now that we are not together, my life is changing more than his life. I was preparing for a possible move to FRANCE when I should’ve been growing a life here. I was preparing for a move to FRANCE EVEN WHEN things were not the way I needed them to be. STUPID. STUPID STUPID. I am stupid. Why was I not watching out for myself. Now I’m a few thousand dollars poorer and not in FRANCE. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. All that time, we was watching out for himself. Not wanting to get married right away and just live together when I arrive so that he can make sure I’m the one … not wanting me to do a trial move … I am so stupid.

I was stupid because one of the reason for not wanting even a part time job in the past was because FRENCHIE and I wouldn’t have been able to talk or video conference anymore. I made myself so available to him. I guess that cost me money as the money I didn’t make on a part time job came out of my savings.

None of this is his fault. It’s my fault for staying in the relationship longer than I should have. But GOSH I loved him so much and I wanted to be with him soooo badly. I wonder though if I would have felt like that still if I did have a job here and really started making some friends. Would I have been so accepting of what he was offering me? I don’t think I would have because I don’t think that it would have been enough to leave whatever life I built here.