my life with depression.com

FRENCHIE and I just IMed and I wanted to save it here for me to read back on later. I feel like I was communicating with him. I was talking about MY FEELINGS rather than saying you did this and you did that. In my woman’s support group, there is a female lawyer who is married to another laywer. She says their communication style is to argue their points - like a lawyer. Now through couple’s counseling, they are trying to talk more about their feelings to better their communication style. She says it’s hard to break that habit and they still get into shouting matches.

FRENCHIE (gmail)
pica ?

ME
hi FRENCHIE

FRENCHIE (gmail)

are we soulmate ?

ME

you
MEan soulmates

FRENCHIE (gmail)

oui

ME

i don’t know what to say pica

FRENCHIE (gmail)

do you wonder at least ?

ME

i felt like we were

FRENCHIE (gmail)

so why are yu blogging about it ?

ME

what do you mean “so why are you blogging about it”
i think i wrote that i liked the way it was described

FRENCHIE (gmail)

yu are blogging about soulmates

ME

right? i don’t remember …

FRENCHIE (gmail)

i am wondering if yu are thinking about us
or not

ME

because i liked the way
yeah. i was thinking about us.

FRENCHIE (gmail)

thanks
i dont have internet at home
i am at work

ME

thanks for what

FRENCHIE (gmail)

right now
thanks

ME

thanks for what?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

cause i didnt know

ME

cause you don’t know what?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

if yu were thinking about us or not

ME

have you seen a therapist like your brother suggested?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

why ?

ME

aren’t you suppose to be working?
don’t get fired pica
why don’t you have internet at home>?
you might as well live at amy’s apartment again
cold with no internet
are you doing ok?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

Hey
we are in france ok
and I am a resident

ME

no life?
no internet?
wow. you are a resident
i never thought you would ever get to this point

FRENCHIE (gmail)

whta point ?
I dont have internet YET

ME

i felt like you were going to be a student for like FOREVER!
are you emotionally doing better?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

no
i feel you are missing

ME

why don’t you talk with a therapist?

FRENCHIE (gmail)
9:49

i just try to remember that I can’t do anything else

ME
9:49

what do you mean you just try to remember that you can’t do anything else? you can talk to a therapist.

FRENCHIE (gmail)

I am talking about us

ME

oh.
pica.

FRENCHIE (gmail)

see, beeing in ICU right now, I see what is important
did yu receive my postcard ?

ME

i don’t know what to say. i don’t want to tell you anything because i want you to stop feeling bad.

FRENCHIE (gmail)

i tell yu

ME

yeah. i have it up next to the aloha one. it went to my neighbor at 703 but she gave it to me. i guess your 9 looks like a 3

FRENCHIE (gmail)

the way i feel is :
I dont understand

ME

dont understand what part?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

why
how

ME

why and how we broke up?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

why you don’t see
why you think it s a game
why you are so auto destructive
it hurts me too
i need to go

ME

if yo think i am so auto destructive, then is that someone you think you want to be with?
ok.

FRENCHIE (gmail)

I am going to buy a 50 inch plasma tv

ME

OMG
56:46
congratulations

FRENCHIE (gmail)

i bought my pioneer speakes already

ME

copy
i’m happy for you.

FRENCHIE (gmail)

you just have to remeber, i picked for you
I am not

ME

but you will match like me!

FRENCHIE (gmail)

pica

ME

yes?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

you don’t realize ?

ME

i do.

FRENCHIE (gmail)

no you don’t

ME

i just can’t act like i do

FRENCHIE (gmail)

?

ME

i do

FRENCHIE (gmail)

you dont

ME

i woke up this morning thinking about you

FRENCHIE (gmail)

and ?
what do you do ?
the opposite ?

ME

last night i thought of you

FRENCHIE (gmail)

you think its a ga
ME ?
we both lost

ME

i wonder if i’m making the right choice
then i think about how scared i am of your pushiness

FRENCHIE (gmail)

myra
see : you think its a game

ME

then i wonder about our communication

FRENCHIE (gmail)

I care for you

ME

no
it’s my life

FRENCHIE (gmail)

i do

ME

I AM THE ONE TAKING ALL THE RISK remember?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

I care

ME

i loose in the end
i don’t want to loose

FRENCHIE (gmail)

you are blogging how scare you are right now
IT IS NOT A GAME

ME

no. it’s my life

FRENCHIE (gmail)

i was putting myself 100% for us

ME

but i felt like my needs were ignored.
like whatever you thought was important was more important than what i needed
there was no compromise

FRENCHIE (gmail)

i wanted to make compromise

ME

there was none
go pica
i guess maybe that’s what scares me.
the timing was all yours
i can’t eat ice cream when i want to

FRENCHIE (gmail)

when ?
M
you are kidding ???

ME

it’s small i know, but it’s something.

FRENCHIE (gmail)

you dont realize what i did for making yu realize i care for yu ?

ME
it’s an example from small things to big things

FRENCHIE (gmail)

i have ice cream for you in my fridge

ME

i didn’t like how you told me NO
i felt like if i wanted to eat ice cream, then i should be able to
also, i’ve been thinking about how we communicated and if we talked about our feelings to each other
do you remember?

FRENCHIE (gmail)
i cant believe you were terrorized by
ME with icecream
we use to

ME

i’m trying to remember how i felt when you were here last summer with me

FRENCHIE (gmail)

we try to

ME

oh pica
i miss you

FRENCHIE (gmail)

great
me too
it sucks heh ?!

ME

i want to stop thinking about you

FRENCHIE (gmail)

why ?

ME

i guess it’s good that we’ve not had contact because i’ve been able to think more clearly about us

FRENCHIE (gmail)

and ?

ME

because i hurt and i keep replaying what happened
i wonder if i’m strong enough to tell you what i need

FRENCHIE (gmail)

why ?
wht do yu need ?

ME

obviously i wasn’t strong enough to fight for my need to be with you when you said that i couldn’t move to france
i really needed that
obviously i wasn’t strong enough with you to tell you what i needed to feel more secure with my move to france
i don’t think i like that
and i don’t want the direction of my life going according to where you want it to go.
i want input and i want my needs considered too and i don’t feel like they were back then
i’m scared that they won’t be

FRENCHIE (gmail)

we were having long distance pb
+ difficulties to go through

ME

yeah i know, but it was still a problem that we had to face.
and there was no compromise
and i wasn’t strong enough to push for what i needed and wanted
i’m scared that my life with you would be like my life with darian.
where he dictated how we spent money
when we went on vacation
where we went on vacation
how we were going to live our day to day
i know that i’m jaded, but you are going out with someone who has been married and who has experienced such things.
hello?
these are just some fears that i’ve had and that i’ve thought about since i last saw you

FRENCHIE (gmail)

we never had that try we were suppose to have

ME

i know pica
that makes me really sad too.
it really sucks
but now it doesn’t work for me to do that

FRENCHIE (gmail)

thats why i dont understand

ME

especially now that i am interviewing for a job
see… i made my life so flexible for you back then.
back then, i was able to move there whenever
i had to ties here

FRENCHIE (gmail)

and we never gave that try
i need to go

ME
10:15

i wanted to but you were putting you first for us remember?

FRENCHIE (gmail)

it sucks

ME

ok.
tell me about it

FRENCHIE (gmail)

ah pica chou
i miss yu too

ME

i want to hold you
i am soooooooooooooo sad right now
and i’m crying
really hard
get going now.
i’m glad we IMed

FRENCHIE (gmail)

i cant, my boss is in the room !

ME

and talked