my life with depression.com

So RAZ and I have had numerous conversations about what I need to feel loved. In this relationship, there is this aching inside of me that is just wanting to scream out AM I NOT WORTH IT ?!?!? What I mean is that I need affirmations of love and he’s not one to give that naturally. Gifts of love? He once told me he wanted to purchase an item because I’VE been paying for lunch and dinner etc. I told him that I only want gifts because he wants to buy it for me to make me happy and not due to some balancing of the wallet. He’s slowly learning this one. Now that I’ve told him that we cannot split the bill 50-50 at restaurants does he offer me this now. Very important especially in a time when I don’t have an income coming in and I’m living off of my savings.  Quality time? I swear our dialogue is initiated by me most of the time. Yes we spend time together, but sometimes, it leaves me wanting more. If I’m not engaging him, then I don’t feel like there would be much of a conversation. Acts of service? I don’t know about this one. Maybe cooking when we are at his house or offering to drive to his friend’s house (30 miles away) in his car. I don’t know …. And last but not least, physical touch. Again, I don’t think he will initiate cuddling or holding hands if I don’t initiate it.

What language of love does he speak??? He said that he took me to this hole-in-the-wall restaurant in a scary part of town so that he can share this place with me. [the place was good, cheap and they gave you lots of food] A restaurant that he’s not been to in five years. He said he won’t even take a DATE there. I understand what he’s saying, so I asked him what types of restaurant he would take his dates to.  He said nicer ones. I asked him if he’s taken me to these “nicer restaurants.” He said yes. On our first date. I said no, I took myself there since I paid for my meal. The he mentions another restaurant that he made reservations to. Yes I would have to agree that he took me there, but I am not sure if he would have had I not said “since you’re taking me out on a date, then I’ll leave it to you to make the reservations.”Since I’ve been seeing RAZ - that’s over six months now, he’s only taken me to a nice restaurant once. Am I complaining and being just a bitch?

Just this past tuesday, I talked to him about how disconnected I’ve been feeling again. I told him that on the days we don’t see each other, I will rarely - if ever get a phone call just to touch base. A quick phone call to share a thought or event or something with me. Even just to say good night. I told him that I needed the dialogue to feel connected. I don’t ask for a whole hour of conversation. Just quick phone calls here or there to let me know that he’s thinking of me or SOMETHING! He called me yesterday to share something that happened in the office. I know he’s trying. But it’s like when he was finally telling me that I looked pretty or when he was giving me compliments. It only lasted two weeks. I will not make final judgment because maybe I will understand this need and he will make it part of him and in turn, the effort will not only last for two weeks.

I told him that I can’t feel if he thinks I’m special and that no one else can take my place. I told him that I don’t feel fabulous with him. I asked him if he’s just with me because as he says, he enjoys hanging out with me, we don’t fight and because we have great communication.  Is it just comfortable? Is it that he doesn’t spend a lot of energy on me? Is that why I’m feeling like this?

I think I feel this yearning because I’m not getting a lot from him. I do enjoy being with him when I engage him though. Our sense of humor is starting to fit nicely although he still has a hard time telling that I’m joking when I’m not smiling and keeping the joke “light.”

Sometimes I just want to shake him and yell out “WAKE UP! DON’T YOU KNOW I’M GREAT AND THAT YOU ARE GOING TO LOOSE ME?!?!”

He said that going to watch The Dutches with me at the theatre showed that he likes me enough to watch a film that he wouldn’t ordinarily watch and that going into the Container Store is another thing he will only do with me. There are redeeming  things that he does, but are those enough? I just kinda expect ANY guy to do those if they are going to be with me.